I had written a whole blog yesterday about letting go and breathing and not clinging and finding my breath and stuff.
But that went out the window. I’m sure I’ll post it sometime soon.
What threw me off?
T.S.
My ex.
I find myself torn about this whole situation. We’ve been having lovely little “how are you and what’re you doing and, wow, you look great” kind of email exchanges. He’s on Myspace and put up some pictures of his family for me to see. I’m sure he’s perused the ones on my page as well. He looks great. He has two very lovely kids (almost adults now). And he’s still with the girl (woman) he left me for. They look happy. But everyone looks happy in pictures from Belize.
I don’t know. I guess it’s stirred up thoughts from the past, regrets about our relationship, weird longing that we never really got to have a real relationship because we were so young. It’s also dovetailing really well with my being alone at this point in my life. Lifetime movie fantasies of reconnecting with your lost love and discovering your whole life again. Yeah, we all know how much my life is like a romantic comedy. Does that make me Diane Keaton at my advanced age? (And “American Idol” is singing “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” in the background. Poetic? Tragic? Nothing at all?)
Part of me wants to give him my phone number and say call me. Maybe if I spoke to him I’d remember what a shit he had been. Maybe I wouldn’t want to do any more than say, hey, good to talk to you.
Part of me wants to keep this very surface, very light, very hands-off. He shattered my heart once, I don’t know how much I should let him in. But that was over 20 years ago. He’s a man now, not a boy. Married, family. He’s 2,000 miles away.
Part of me that is still 20 years old aches for him. It’s hard to believe he still holds my heart all these years and all these miles later. Do you ever get over your first love? Or do you just get past your first love?
I just know that right now, I have tears in my eyes, knowing that he’s online because of that fucking Myspace symbol that tells me he is. And I want to get on instant messenger and say all the things I never got to – why did you leave me and do you regret it and how much have you thought of me and did you miss me when I left and what did I do to make you leave and why didn’t we work out and did you really love me… and so much more.
So I’d better get off the computer, hide my head and hope that I come back to sanity very soon. Because I don’t need to go off in an entirely fantastical, ridiculous tangent. Because y’all know I can go there.
Boys.
1 comment:
My friend and I were just discussing something similar to this the other night. We were saying that every one should talk to their ex at least once, just to have closure. But it should be years after the break-up, so you can either see that they've changed, or see that they haven't changed and you can be glad that you aren't with them. Did that make sense? She just got in contact with her first boyfriend from high school, and she'd thought all these years about what could have been, if only she'd have stayed with him. Now after talking to him, she realizes that he is still a loser and will never change. But it brought closure to her. I had a similar experience too. I hope you can find some kind of closure too.
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