Just passing through...

Lately, I seem to feel like I have to apologize to people for many things. For not finishing the film yet, for not launching my jewelry site again, for not being there for them personally (that one I WILL apologize for), for many, many things. However, I once again find myself under the influence of the feisty full moon and just want to say, for the record, I’m not sorry. There’s a terrific female duo out of Northern California called Antara and Delilah that have a great song called "I’m Not Sorry" and that’s running through my head right now. Here’s the list of things I am not sorry for:

1. I am not sorry that my emotions tend to get carried away and bury me. Yes, maybe I should have better control of them, but you spend almost your entire adult life and a third of your entire life being emotionally battered and then tell me you can recover in a year and a half. I’ve been beaten, I’ve been abused. I’m not going to get over it. Deal with it. It took him 15 years to almost kill me, it’s going to take me a little while to put it in perspective.

2. I am not sorry the film is not done. In the 10 months since we started shooting, I’ve moved twice, dealt with serious health issues with my father, am dealing with moving in with my parents and watching my father basically die, am dealing with the effects of my marriage (see point #1 above). You’re lucky it’s as done as it is. It will get done. Just let me do it in my time.

3. I’m not sorry I fell in love with you. I’m sorry you can’t/won’t/don’t choose to see it or do anything about it. I’m sorry you feel the need to keep me close but on your terms. I’m sorry you’re jealous when someone else intrudes on your territory. I’m sorry that you can’t let me in. And I’m sorry that you’re going to turn around very soon and see that I am not there. But I won’t be sorry for walking away because I did love you, I gave you every chance and it was your choice to let me walk away. At least I learned I could love again. I am sorry that you won’t be the one to get that love. Sorry that you couldn’t do it.

4. I’m not sorry that I’m pissed off at you. You beat me within an inch of my life and left me to die. Fuck you. I will never get past it. And those of you who think I should get past it, fuck you, too. I won’t. I can forgive you, I can understand why you’re the bastard that you are. I can appreciate that you don’t see what you did. But fuck you anyway.

5. I am not sorry that I am complicated. I love that Anna said at breakfast yesterday that she and I are “too complex” for internet dating. Yes, we are. Let’s embrace our complexity and quit apologizing for it.

6. I am not sorry I chose to move in with my parents. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I’m not sure how I’ll get through it. But it was the right choice and it was the right thing.

7. I’m not sorry I stopped this blog. I needed to turn my eyes inward. It was so difficult, so painful, so overwhelming not to have this forum to spew forth all of my guts. But I needed to not spew for a while so I could deal with the things I didn’t want to face. And I’ve done that. And I think I’m ready to face the world again, clearer, smarter, not completely healed but at least bandaged.

8. I’m not sorry that I probably won’t post again here for a long time. I may return occasionally when I have something to share or to spew. I do miss you all and your supportive comments. I do continue to follow your lives, although it may be somewhat more silently than previously.

I think that’s it for now. Just felt that I needed to get that off my chest and share it with the universe.

There. I’m done. I’ll talk to you all again some time. Take care of each other.