Broken but healing

(Okay, so I miss blogging. Don't expect this to be as regular as previously but I will probably be posting now and again.)

02/14/07

Broken but healing?

I am still broken, wounded, far from completion. The wounds are very deep and not yet scarred over. I am trying to heal based on some unknown timetable – when I “should” be healed. Whose timetable, I don’t know. But I feel the pressure to be fine, to be past the hurt, past the anger, past the tears. I see others around me moving on, finding someone for their life, not necessarily permanent but at least someone. And I stand by the side, thinking, that’s where I “should” be. I “should” have someone by now because others do. I don’t know why I “should”. To be complete? To be “normal”? To be a woman? Yet the reason I left him was to be my own person. Yet I feel compelled to find a man to be in my life to, in a way, define me. Because I don’t know what I am by myself. The dichotomy is feeling the need to be defined by the man in my life and yet fighting that very desire. Do I even know how to be with someone without being defined by them? Am I whole enough, healed enough, to be just who I am with someone else? Will I ever be?

I’m not sure how to go about healing. Is moving beyond anger where I need to be? How do I get there? I know I need to get past comparing every new situation to what it would have been with him there. I’m tackling that one right now. But will I ever heal enough to actually be able to let someone else in?

I understand why my heart lives where it does right now because, in some twisted way, maybe if I can reach him – the great unreachable one – then I can be reached myself. I think he reflects my own fear, my own wounds, back at me. And if I heal his wounds, I heal my own. But that’s where the trouble starts. Then it’s about him and his pain, not me and mine. It’s about making him whole first, then we’ll get around to me eventually. It’s about focusing on his needs rather than my own. I guess what I don’t know is whether or not we can heal each other together, not one sacrificing so that the other becomes whole. Can two wounded souls heal each other or is that just co-dependency in its finest form? Can I let him go, decide he’s not going to be that part of my life – whether by his choice, by my choice or by the universe’s choice – and move past him while I’m at it?

Can I be whole, complete and healed without someone in my life is what it comes down to, I guess. There are days when I feel that power, that completeness, and I know and understand my world. Then there are the rest of the days, where I am lost, seeking, grasping, hoping something or someone will save me.

And on this day of hearts and flowers and love, I am torn. Appreciative and grateful for this life I have created because it is truly mine, with all its glories and its blemishes. Wistful for the best of my past life because there was good there once. Longing for someone to fill in the holes in my life and help me find the next step I must take. Yet glad that there isn’t that smothering, controlling, unyielding hand that threatened my very existence. Missing someone I don’t have and not even sure if I want him or just want the thought of him.

Leaving me where? Thinking, looking, seeking an answer that Cupid and his bow and arrow cannot supply.

Only I can.