Potentiality...

Not sure where this is gonna go, so hang on.

First, did the Melrose Trading Post today. It’s a swap meet/flea market in Hollywood. Didn’t do so well monetarily but a huge potential order is hanging out there in the wind. Cross your fingers. It could set me up for the rest of the year.

Second, the potential that wasn’t. Cute Boy never called. Don’t need a book to tell me “he’s just not that into me.” Not surprised, a bit disappointed but, oh, well, I’ll live.

Third, I sat at the coffee shop the other day and thought about my life five years into the future. Where do I want to be? What could I see? What could I feel? The first thought was peace. I felt peaceful, content, settled in the best way possible. I saw a beautiful room I was sitting in, looking out a large window into nature. Not sure if it was the beach or just a beautiful sight. But peaceful came to me again. Quiet. Tranquil. Sanctuary was another word that kept coming to me. I saw a porch/patio that was a haven where I could retreat and meditate, write, think, be. No distractions, no disturbances.

At first, I saw myself alone, but that was okay. It was just me and my thoughts and my life and my space. No threats, no drama, no judgments. Just me. That made me sad for a moment but then I thought, well, if that’s what it takes to have peace and tranquility, then alone it will be. I saw my friends and a wondrous life of fun and frivolity as well as depth and compassion with those close to me, and that gave me enormous comfort. Being alone by choice is one thing, being alone against your choice is another. So if it was my choice to be alone, then so be it.

Then, there was music. Beautiful, organic music. Not recorded, but somebody playing music in the home. I can’t even tell you what type of music it was – piano, guitar. Not sure. But I could hear it and I was warmed and touched by it. Again, tranquil, peace, contentment. Beautiful, lovely, peaceful music that surrounded me with love and joy and comfort. Soon, two arms found their way around my shoulders and the whole picture was complete. Someone who could give me peace, who could allow me contentment without being threatened by it, someone who could share the sanctuary without trying to wrest it from me. Someone who was the other half of my whole.

That was scary as I didn’t think I would find another half ever. And it felt good and fine and just about the way I want the next go-round to be. Comfortable, sharing, warm, simple. I realize no relationship is really easy but sometimes we make it more difficult than it has to be.

I know what I want out of the men in my future – someone real, someone honest, someone vulnerable, someone with respect, someone with an emotional soul. I don’t want to have to drag feelings and thoughts out of someone anymore. You MUST want to share with me, otherwise, what’s the point? On that same point, you MUST want me to share with you. Two-way street.

I want someone who can hold my hand as I grow and let me take their hand and let them grow. I want minimum drama. I want honesty – but honesty doesn’t have to be harsh. Honesty can be that - honesty. I want to find someone I can talk to, can tell anything to, without judgment, without value being placed on it. And I want to return the same to him.

I want someone who I want to include in my life, not someone who just happens to be there, which is what I think happened with my ex. He was there, he wasn’t what my first husband was so, therefore, he must be better. And, for a while, he was. But I never thought about 16 years into the future, what that would mean.

I want those warm arms and that wondrous music to fill my life. I want that contentment and that comfort and that sanctuary. It’s a ways into the future but at least now, I can see it, I can feel it, I can grasp it. And maybe by naming it and sensing it, I can find it.