I'm still here

Madame H drove me home from my birthday party on Saturday (birthday is actually today) and when she dropped me off, she said something that made me stop and think.

She said something like, "You got another birthday."

I got another birthday.

And I came home and sat down and cried.

Because I'm still here.

Battered and a little worse for wear. Tonight, my left shoulder/neck/clavicle hurt so much I can barely type this.

But I'm still here.

I'm lonely and I'm still missing the Filmmaker terribly, though we see each other now and then, which is nice.

And I'm still here.

I'm missing my dad today because a year ago, I was home and that was the last time I saw him.

But I'm still here.

And cancer didn't kill me. Luckily, it was caught early. 

And treatment didn't kill me, though it felt like it would at times. It still does feel like it will, even now.

But I'm still here.

And I got to have another birthday. And I will get to have another one next year, and the year after that, and the year after that.

And I'm grateful for the love and support for this last year, because without it, I truly think I would not have made it. The friends who showed me love in a million tiny ways. And in huge, amazing, epic ways. For having the Filmmaker there at the beginning, when I didn't know how I was going to get through each day. And for his... everything.

And I'm still here.

And I'm starting to feel like life is moving forward, in teeny baby steps, but moving. At last. And I'm finally starting to think about summer and Comic-Con, although I still don't know if I'm going. And thinking about my graphic novel and getting it out  into the world. And thinking about making another film. And what I'm going to direct next. And...

And I'm still here.

And I'm starting to think about where I'll be at my next birthday. Because now I can finally see a future. And I'm thinking about the fact that I want to let someone else in again. I learned a lot with the Filmmaker and since he's not going to surprise me, I need to look forward to someone else. Someone who will be more of what I want/need.

Because I'm still here.

And I am going to be here for a very, very long time.