Doesn't sound like a big deal but it was.
Since finishing chemo and radiation, my hair has been growing back in quite nicely.
And quite grayly.
When I see myself in photographs, I don't like the way I look because the silver hair looks so foreign to me. I thought I would get used to it.
But I'm not.
I hate it.
I hate it because I didn't get to choose it. Cancer forced it on me when I had to shave my head after chemo.
And while everyone loves how the silver looks - and I get it, it does look pretty good - it will never look good to me because I didn't get to choose it.
I realized it the other day when I was at my art class for work. One of the teachers who I haven't seen in a while came in and the first thing she said was how much she loved my hair. And I almost burst into tears.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I will never like this hair. Not right now. Maybe if I decide to let it go silver again, I will. But right now, I hate it.
Actually, I think what started it was that I found a box of hair color in my cupboard the other day when I was looking for something else. That made me break down and cry because the last time I colored my hair was maybe June, 2012 because I started chemo in July, 2012. And this box was left over from then.
From when I was still me.
Last night, I sat on the couch and thought about that box of hair color.
And this morning, I woke up and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I burst into tears because all of the above came crashing in on me. I don't know that woman with the silver hair looking back at me from my mirror.
So I opened the box when I got home tonight and started.
And I cried every step of the way.
Cried for what I've lost.
Cried for who I was.
Cried for everything I've gone through.
Cried because... Just because.
And I'm not sure I'm done with the tears yet.
But maybe tomorrow, when I get up and go to teach, that face looking back at me in the mirror might look a little more like the me I was before March 9, 2012. Maybe I can let go of some of this and leave it behind if I'm not constantly reminded of what I've been through due to the color of my hair. Maybe I can really begin to find me again and move forward, toward normal, whatever that means.
But at least tonight, I took a bit of control. We'll see where that leads me...
3 comments:
I like it both ways. The scars life gives us, on skin, hair, hearts...are the badges of survival. So much is put on us that we didn't choose, yet we overcome. Sometimes it's as easy as a box of hair dye :)
So much of what you have written in recent posts resonates with me. I'm 4yrs out from diagnosis now and still grappling with some of the deeper scars...the ones you can't see. Thank you for sharing your journey here. The more of us that do that the more I think it is like leaviing a trail of breadcrumbs for those that unfortunately come after us...something to show the way(s) toward a new path of recovery. You do this well :) I'll be adding you to my blogroll, too.
I didn't know you before but YOU LOOK GREAT!! I like to relay my loosing my hair story.. I had long blonde hair down to the middle of my back. One day it was a little windy i started chemo a week before I had the tingly sensation for days! While I was walking down the street a gust of wind blew a chunk of hair off my head. I stopped to see my hair rolling down the street like a tumble weed!! I stood there just laughing hysterically It was the funniest thing I ever saw! Well I finally shaved my hair off when I looked at a pic of Brad Pitt and looked like Benjamin Buttons twin lool It's OK to cry feel bad but at the end of the day have a good look in the mirror see the beautiful strong woman you are. I'm going into my 5th year I have hair the first second it was a half inch out came the hair colour!!
I found your blog tonight and will add you to my list.... Take good care!! Alli....
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