Hissy fit

I want to stand in the middle of the room and scream, "It's not fair!", over and over and over and over and over again.

Because...

It's just not fair.

I've fought so hard to create a life and I feel like one by one, everything I love is being ripped from me and there's nothing I can do about it.

And don't remind me it's temporary because that doesn't help. My cancer is not. It will be with me the rest of my life, in some form or other. It's something I'll think about any time something feels funny in my body. I will always wonder if it's coming back. Never mind the long term effects of chemo, which I won't know what they will be till I'm done. Same with radiation. And the hormone therapy. And... And... And...

And the issues from my past are now threatening my present. I've dealt with so many things from my family issues and my marriage and really felt like I was getting on the other side of those things. I've slain many clowns and learned to handle so much. And then this stupid fucking cancer. My emotions are all over the map because of the drugs coursing through my body. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's just jacked up shit in my head.

And it's not fair. 

I had finally learned how to handle my emotions, sort them out and communicate them clearly. I've had a lot of success with relearning how to communicate. And now, I feel like I'm just standing and crying and screaming and no one is hearing me.

And it's not fair.

I love my teaching job, tying in my college education to go with it and make me a better teacher. Something I couldn't do when I was married because he criticized every choice I made, shut down every effort I made to become what I wanted to be. And now, all of that is put on hold. Stupid fucking cancer. Holding me back the way he did, the way that almost killed me the last time around. I can't move forward, I can't go back, I'm stuck in the middle, biding my time, waiting.

And it's not fair.

And, of course, the Filmmaker. I finally have someone in my life who is wonderful and amazing and beautiful. He has made me feel beautiful and not damaged throughout my treatment, which is something I can never thank him enough for. I was so glad to have him come into my life right as I got diagnosed because he seemed so exactly perfect for what I needed in my life to deal with this stupid fucking cancer.

But this stupid fucking cancer is exacerbating my issues from my marriage and tainting this relationship. And I don't know if it would be different if I weren't sick. Would I be able to handle this if I weren't constantly struggling to keep myself feeling good while going through treatment? Would I feel like this if I were healthy and able to sort through things logically? Or would I still feel like this? And I'm terrified to say anything because I never learned how to tell someone I'm in a relationship with how I feel and what I want/need. And when I've tried, I was either told my feelings don't matter or the person has disappeared from my life. And I don't know what to do because I'm afraid if I say anything, this will end. And I don't know if I'm ready for that.

And it's not fair.

And it's not fair.

And it's just not fucking fair.