And spin...

I feel like my emotions are currently on a Twister spinner and I just keep hitting the stupid thing.

Spin....

Right hand, red...

He's going to break up with you because he's bored, he's met someone else, you're "too much"...

Spin...

Left foot, blue...

Break up with him before he does. Safer. Easier. Then I don't ever have to wonder or think or anything about him again.

Spin...

Right foot, yellow...

Lay in the fetal position and cry.

That's where I am right now.

For about two weeks.

I can barely trust my emotions during good times. I've learned a lot over the past seven-and-a-half years but still have a way to go, I guess. And when I hit hard times like I have over these past weeks, I cannot trust my emotions at all. I become a victim to them and absolutely lose control.

And the clowns come back.

And they bring the spinner and the board and sit in a circle and cackle whilst they spin, watching me twist myself inside out to try and manage everything and do the right thing and understand everything and be perfect and don't fall, don't fall, don't fall...

And today, I fell.

I conceded and I fell.

Because I can't balance right now. Between all the loss and leaving my teaching gig (temporarily while I finish chemo and radiation) and getting an eviction notice yesterday, I have no balance left.

I almost took down my last post about the Filmmaker because I'm not sure I feel that way today. Because I'm spinning and not balanced and wanting more from him is really me just wanting something solid underneath me, something I know will always be there because right now, I'm trying to balance on a hand and a foot and figuring out where to put the other foot and...

And I fell.

And I wouldn't blame him if he disappeared like all the others because... Well, because...

So tonight, I'm laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, ignoring the clowny cackles and the stupid fucking spinning sound.

And I'm just accepting that I fell and I can't get up right now.

It's been just too much.

My friends keep saying they don't know how I'm getting through all of this and still come back fighting.

Well, not tonight.

The spinner has beat me and I've lost this round. I refuse to continue to try to figure out which hand goes where and try to wrangle the emotions and all that.

Tonight, I concede.

But tomorrow, I'm gonna fight like the bad-ass motherfucker everyone thinks I am. And then we'll see what the next day brings.