Who am I this time?

I have been going through a very deep depression the past few days. And I think I know what it's about.

I don't know who I am right now.

I have changed myself so many times, especially over the past 25 years of my life, and now I find myself at that crossroad again, trying to figure out who I am this time.

When I started this version of my life seven years ago, I was knee deep in a fledgling directing career and determined that that was what I was going to do for the rest of my life. It was part of the reason I left my marriage - he was doing his damnedest to try to prevent me from directing and trying to control my career, such as it was.

Now here I am.

I haven't directed in almost a year and I really don't know if I'm going to ever direct again. The passion, the drive, the desire I had for almost 20 years is pretty much gone.

And, yes, I am an artist and I think that a huge part of my heart and soul that used to go into directing now goes into my art.

But I'm such a baby in that arena. Every day, I am face-to-face with how little I really do know and realize how much more I have to learn.

Facing cancer has spun my whole life around, making me really look at what's important and what I want.

And I really don't know any of that right now.

And I don't really want to start again --  again.

There is so much unknown in front of me right now.

And it's funny because I said this to my friend, Anna, tonight and she replied with, you're very good with the unknown, that's your life for the past seven years.

Which is true, to a point.

But there was always my directing career as the endgame, as the point I was aiming for.

Now, I don't know what the point is. I don't know where I'm going now.

I think I want to do comic books but I don't know. That's another huge glut of unknown. One of the comic book artists I know says I'm talented but all I can see right now is how much I don't know.

And since I've had to drop out of college for treatment, I don't know when I'm going to be able to go back and pick up where I left off.

And I'm in this relationship which, while it's really wonderful and the Filmmaker is amazing, I have no idea where it's going or even where we are now. I've tried not to look at it too closely and tried not to put that stupid, age-old question to him - where are we now and where are we going - because I'm afraid it'll scare him off. He's here and he takes good care of me and I adore him. But even with this, there's a huge unknown - for so many reasons.

Of course, the big unknown is my cancer treatment. And I'm a little tired of hearing, "You'll be fine, you'll get through it, you're a strong woman, you can do it."  And I might be fine and get through it and be strong. Or not. I don't know.

And I don't know what this treatment is going to do to my life or my relationship or anything else in the world.

And I don't really want to start over again.

And I really want to know what's going on and what's coming next. And I really want to know if there's a future with the Filmmaker or if I'm just filling time. And... And... And..

And I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't know who I'm supposed to be.

With my ex and with my family, I knew what the expectation was and I learned how to meet that expectation. I've been doing it most of my life.

And with the men in my life, the ones who took pieces of my heart but never gave me theirs, I kept trying to figure out who to be and what to be in order to get them to leave a piece of their heart with me.

But with the Filmmaker, he likes me exactly as I am and doesn't try and change me. Yet I constantly find myself lacking, deciding that he should/could/must want something more than this fat, depressed cancer patient.

So I'm overcome with not knowing, not seeing, not understanding where the next step is in anything in my life. My life has become today. And maybe tomorrow. And my next doctor appointment. And then chemo.

And I want to know more. I want more. I want... I want...

I just want to know.

That's it.

I just want to know.