Had surgery on Friday for breast cancer. Had a lumpectomy where they removed the two cancerous tumors in my left breast and removed a number of the lymph nodes under my left armpit.
The surgery went well, I guess. I have had very little pain, which is good. Movement on my left side is a bit limited, which was to be expected. I've slept well both nights since the surgery, which is good.
My friend, Anna, came down from San Francisco to babysit me through this and she's been great. The support from all my friends has been incredible.
One of the tough things is that the Filmmaker is not here. He's off at the Cannes Film Festival, which is something he's been planning for a long time and I'm mostly glad he went because his soul was in serious need of some refilling. But I miss him a lot right now because he has been a great source of comfort through this whole process.
Today, 48 hours after the surgery, I removed the dressings and finally confronted my scars.
And I cried.
Honestly, they're not that bad. They are a bit larger than I had expected, or at least they appear that way.
There is a scar across the outside of my left breast where they took the tumors out and a scar under my arm.
And when I took the dressings off, I just cried. It's hard to see those slashes across my body and not cry. I can't imagine someone who's had a mastectomy and how they must feel when they see what's left. My breast is pretty much intact but it's still heartbreaking to see those scars across my skin.
I'm glad the cancer is out. I'm glad I had a choice of how to handle it. I'm glad the surgery was breast-conserving.
But still, I cried.
I cried because those scars make it real. I have breast cancer. For the rest of my life, that's how I'll be identified - breast cancer survivor. And those scars will be a reminder of that.
I cried because, while I never considered my breasts spectacular, I do have a full figure and that sometimes makes me feel very sexy, very pin-up. But I know now that there are these scars, and they make me feel less than.
And I'm glad the Filmmaker is not here to see me with drains and bruises and steristrips, etc. Because it's not pretty.
And I'm afraid to let him see me when he gets back. Because of the scars. Because of the imperfection. Because... Because... So many things. And I know he's a good guy and he knows what to expect because he's been to all the appointments with me. But I don't want him to see me like this. He deserves someone who's not going through all of this and all that is to come.
And I cried because of that.
And I'm sure these are not going to be the last of the tears. But for today, I'm going to let them fall and then maybe tomorrow, there will be less of them.
8 comments:
What a beautiful honest post about confronting the physical scars of breast cancer surgery.
thank you for sharing.
Susan, I have been reading and keeping up with your journey since you were diagnosed. I think you so movingly put into words what every woman must feel when going through this. We intellectually know that as women are not *just* our hair or our breasts or whatever feature it is about ourselves we are most fond of and that makes us feel like us. I have seen photos of you and your are beautiful! The Filmmaker is no doubt very proud to have you in his life. You are an amazing girl!And there is a silicone scar treatment that is used used for helping to heal burn wounds. I had a horrendous rope burn (I'm a horse trainer...'nuff said!) and I scar very easily. I used that for about 2 to 3 months, and you can hardly see the scar now.
You often cross my mind, and I want so much for you to get your life completely back...and soon. You will pick up right where you left off with school, I just know it. Art is like air for you, you must have it in your life. Take care, Susan. I admire you an awful lot.
I felt the same way after my surgery. When I saw the incisions I cried harder than when I was diagnosed. It looked so brutal and awful and I was repulsed by the violence done to my body (even though it was done to save my life.) I didn't want Todd to see because he loved my breasts so much, but he was amazing and showed me that it was me he loved, scars and all. I know Filmmaker will be the same to you.
It's great that you have good range of motion, be sure to move your arm as much as you can tolerate, it will help keep scar tissue from building up to much and keep things soft and flexible.
Be well love,
Acacia
I remember when I removed my dressings and saw the huge line on the interior of my breast and upper arm area and I thought Oh My God, they are so red and angry and look like they will never go away. I was worried my husband would only want to see me with t-shrits on during our intimate times together and he just laughed and said the nicest thing I have ever heard, I didn't marry you for your breasts, I married you for who you are. In that instant I remembered something I had told another friend who had bad scars from an accident she had, they are you badge of courage; like a tattoo with no ink and more meaning. Remember, your imperfections make you perfect, to someone wondering about getting a mammogram I am the perfect person to say "yes!" ~ too the woman who finds a lump in her breast and isn't wanting to go to a Dr for it, I am the perfect person to say "GO!", to the woman who has a red and painful breast from radiation I am the perfect person to say, "Hang on, it WILL get better!" So Susan I can say to you, keep doing what you are doing to help you and center you and know you are not alone.
Thank you all for your support! It's been a difficult time. But the Filmmaker has continued to prove what an amazing guy he is and makes me feel beautiful and incredible every day...
Sending much love back to you all!
The scar (I was lucky enough to only have one) from my lumpectomy (long before I met you) is completely invisible now. The scar(s) will fade in time. Your courage will not. Sending much love. So do George and Lily and Mabel (if you remember them -- you should; you named George!).
Carly - of course I remember Georgre and Lily and Mabel, especially George. BTW, I moderate all comments on this blog so nothing gets published until I approve it. Too much spam sneaks through otherwise. Didn't know you went through this, too. Thank you for your words of support and I hope life is treating you well!
This is a heartwarming post. First of all, I want to congratulate you because you are now cancer free. I know how it hurts to see marks that would remind you how hard it is to face cancer. But you have to think of it this way: every soldier ends a battle with a scar. Treat yours as a sign of victory - because you are strong, you were given the gift of a new life. Some scars are also painful, and a deep massage would help you ease the pain slowly. In the end, what’s important is that you were able to hurdle a huge obstacle in your life. That in itself is a blessing.
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