Meandering thoughts...

I have so many thoughts in my head today, it's impossible to get them all straight. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. There is too much information on the internet. The past couple of days, I have lost an enormous amount of time online researching and reading and basically getting buried in the incredible amount of information out there about breast cancer. Some of it is useful but some of it just scared the shit out of me. I have an appointment with my doctors on Tuesday so I'm trying to get as much info as possible so I can ask thorough questions when I see them.

2. I'm so very scared that the tests I had on Thursday are going to show that the cancer has spread to other areas. Absolutely freakin' terrified. Don't try to comfort me with "oh, no, it'll be fine."  You can't reason with irrationality.

3. I am so thankful to have an amazing man in my life right now. Yes, I know I have lots of friends and support but there's something that a special person brings to you at a time like this that a friend cannot. He can hold me like no one else can. And especially now, when I fall asleep wrapped up in his arms, I feel like I can get through this because he is there to protect me.

4. I am so terrified to have an amazing man in my life right now. To finally have found someone I care about so very much, who makes me feel incredible and who has given me so much, and to have him go through this with me... When he could/should be in a relationship with someone who's healthy and who is not gonna drag him through hell with her and not be what he deserves. It kills me to finally have this relationship only to have to put it through this meat grinder, especially when it's still so new.

5. I'm grateful to those who have contributed to Give Forward to help me raise money to cover expenses while I go through treatment. It is overwhelming. 

6. I am a big bundle of unknown right now, uncertain about my future in a way I haven't been in a very long time. And I'm more afraid than I have ever been in my life.

7. I know I will get through this. I know I will survive. I know my life will go on and no matter how it all turns out, I will make it the life I want it to be. And I know that I am surrounded by love, no matter what.

So that's where I am tonight. And there are more thoughts but I just can't articulate them right now.

I will be strong. I will figure it out. But maybe not tonight.