Maybe...

Maybe I can let go now of the tight grip I’ve had on the past. I keep thinking I’ve left things behind only to discover that I’ve hidden them in a pocket to pull out in secret and listen to them whisper to me, reminding me of things I’m trying to forget.

I saw a piece of my heart on Friday night. The original piece of my heart, the original OOMA (Object of My Affection). I have not seen him in a very long time, maybe a year or more. We don’t speak at all, he won’t even answer emails that are about business. It still breaks my heart into pieces that he left my life, despite promises that he would never do that. And it was hard to see him on Friday because that tight grip tightened even more, hanging on to all the hurt and all the pain and heartbreak. And I almost left because I couldn’t stand to sit across from him and pretend. And every time he laughed, my absolute favorite thing about him, it made me miss him in my life. And then he sang (we were at karaoke) and I suddenly was back almost seven years, when he saved my life after I ended my marriage.

And I realized I had a choice in that moment. I could choose what I hang on to. I could choose to hang on to the heartbreak and disappointment and anger over his disappearing from my life. Or I could choose to hang on to the beautiful memories I have of him through so many things we did together. Shows I directed him in, one long, wonderful, crazy weekend in Vegas, him singing karaoke, his birthday with his mother but mostly how he took such great care of me when I needed it the most. So many beautiful things squeezed out by the tight fist of pain.

And while we’ll never be friends again, as far as I can see, I can let go of the pain and the past and stop dragging that around with me.

Sure, I say that today… we’ll see what tomorrow brings but…

Which leads me, in a weird way, to the Filmmaker. Or maybe everything in my life right now leads me to the Filmmaker.

No matter where this relationship leads -- whether it’s a long term thing or over tomorrow -- I have to learn to loosen that tight grip on what I expect to happen. I live in fear that what has happened to me in the past will happen again with him. And there’s more at stake this time. The others never got past the “we’re just friends” stage, whereas this is definitely not in the friends territory. And that makes me more afraid to let go of that tight grip on what I think will happen.

Like this morning. We had a lovely night last night. We’re very comfortable and very easy. Margaritas, fajitas and then back to his place, where we sat on the couch as he played his ukulele and we sang for a long time. Well, he sang. I kinda joined in a bit when I knew the song. But it’s one of my favorite things with him - him playing, talking about why he likes this song or that song, singing, and just laughing. I love to listen to him laugh because he has such a passion about life. Then we fell asleep on the couch before finally making it upstairs to bed.

But when we got up this morning, he was distracted and a bit distant, which always freaks me out because that can only mean one thing -- I’ve done something wrong and it’s over.

Yeah, right.

I spent a lot of time this morning, over-analyzing everything from last night. Yeah, it wasn’t the most successful night in some ways, but not every night is going to be. And we woke up early this morning and just laid in bed, dozing in and out, me snuggled up to him. And he made me a lovely breakfast before driving me to my art studio to teach.

Yeah, that sounds like there’s something horribly wrong.

And about mid-day, I realized how stupid I was being. Instead of hanging on to the good things during the evening before - how quickly he jumped at getting together; sitting on the couch, singing; the look in his eyes when we finally did climb into bed and I said, “I really like being right here” as he pulled me in close and how he smiled and said, “I know you do”. I let that be overwhelmed by some imaginary bullshit that I can’t even articulate at this point. I let the whispers drown out the joy.

And maybe that’s what I’ve been taught all my life - let the dark whispers drown out the delightful joys.

And so tonight, I am making the choice to just let go… again. And though I do seem to be doing a lot of letting go lately, it always seems that there are different things I need to let go of.

So for tonight, I’m going to let go of the original OOMA and all the baggage that comes with him. I’m going to let go of the dark memories of the hours I spent crying over him and wondering what I did wrong and why he just vanished out of my life. I’m going to let go of the specter of him and the others after him and the shadow they are casting over this relationship with the Filmmaker. I’m sure he will cast his own shadow in the long run and some day I’ll have to let go of that, but for now, I will pull him out of their shadows and put those things away, out of the pocket and maybe let go into the ether.

And I’ll let go of wondering -- wondering what I’m doing wrong, wondering if I should have done something to make the evening better, wondering if… just wondering.

And, in some ways, I’ll let go of the Filmmaker himself, because I do believe he is a transient encounter on the way to something else. I may be wrong and it may turn out that he’s the something else but for now, I don’t think so. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love every minute of it and live for those moments when he is but inches away and all I can see are his beautiful, joyful eyes.

And I’ll absorb the wonderful, beautiful memories he has given me over these past few months - showing up unexpectedly with cupcakes at Drink and Draw; that incredible night on the balcony with the full moon and way too much booze; his ukulele; sitting next to him, drawing, watching how intently he focuses; our first night together; the way he looks at me sometimes and makes my heart skip a beat; how he held me when I told him about my depression without trying to fix it, just being there; the hundred million little ways he isn’t like anyone before him.

And maybe, just maybe, some day I can let go of all of it and just be with someone, just exist with someone, without the past intruding, without the fear encroaching. Just live for that moment, that day, that hour, when he looks at me that way and nothing else matters.

Maybe…