I apparently don’t learn very easily.
I like to hang my heart out like a piñata and hand the current OOMA (object of my affection) a big honkin’ stick and just let them have at my heart with all their might. I get fooled into thinking that this time will be different, that maybe there’s something there, that maybe THIS ONE will be the one who won’t break it but, inevitably, they do.
In five and a half years of being on my own, you’d think I’d see the signs. They’re always the same.
Guy seems to dig me. Tells me how amazing I am. How talented I am. They stand thisclose and feel so near and so present. The connection is electric and literal sparks fly. This goes on for a while until there’s that moment - that one moment that makes me go, ooooo, here it is, we’re one step away from something wonderful and beautiful. And I hold out my heart, stopping just short of screaming from the top of the nearest building, “Here! Take it! I know you want to! Finally! Yay!” And I create beautiful rom-com scenarios of how it’s going to play out and how we’ll fall in love and how wonderful it’s going to be, because it’s right there. And I’m on top of the world for a day or a week or, this time, a month.
And then…
Nothing.
It’s gone. Suddenly. Without warning. I wait and hope and think, “Next time I see him, it’ll be magic. It’s finally going to be what I want it to be.”
And then…
Nothing.
Actually, worse than nothing.
It’s nice. It’s lovely. It’s friendly. Most people won’t even notice the change.
But I do.
And my heart does.
And tonight, my heart is kicking me in the shins for letting it get dragged around and fooled again. It’s pissed off at me for not seeing the signs and letting this one in. Being fooled by a brief moment of almost, fooled by language and words and this-close-so-close-but-not-quite-there-intimacy and one single night filled with potential that ended with hope, if not anything physical.
And my heart is wrapping itself up in steel and chains and barbed wire and a big fucking lock and hiding the key, refusing to tell me where it is. It’s warning me that if I do this again, it’s going to break for good and never be healed. It’s warning me that I’d better prepare for a long fallow period because it’s not coming out for anything - ever.
Because I have been stupid with it and it won’t let me be that stupid again.
2 comments:
You put words to how I feel. Virtual hugs.
this is so painful to read. I know the feelings too. But maybe the part you should change is the part where you hold out your heart, but you "stop just short of screaming from the top of the nearest building. . ." In each scenario, you "lost." Which means you actually have NOTHING to lose by saying it, being honest, direct, straight-forward. If they don't want your heart (idiots,) then at least you know from their mouth, and they have to have the balls to say it to your face. If they DO want it, then you have opened the door for them and they don't have to worry that they will be rejected.
The mantra should be "I have nothing to lose." Nobody can read minds, even if we think we are being obvious. Just as you keep wondering what they are really thinking, maybe they wonder the same thing. Someone has to break down and say it. REALLY SAY IT.
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