Chasing (your name here)

Just finished watching “Chasing Amy” for the… I don’t know how many-eth time. One of my absolute favorite films and my absolute favorite Kevin Smith film. The dialog and the relationships are so honest and true. I think the brilliance of Kevin Smith is that underneath all the cussing and the in-your-face rude beats the true heart of human emotions. When he gets it right, he gets it so very right.

The last five minutes of the film rip my heart out and throw it on the floor and then back up again and drive back over it. Holden (Ben Affleck) comes to a comic book convention (he’s a comic book artist) to have closure on his relationship with his former partner (Jason Lee) and the woman he was -- and still is -- in love with, Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams). The conversation between Holden and Alyssa is so innocuous and nothing but watching Affleck and Adams just look at each other is heart rending. I think it’s one of the most under-rated performances Affleck has ever given. You can see how much these two want to be together, how much they regret their choices and how they have no choice but to move on and leave each other in the past. Crack - there goes my heart, breaking.

Because I’ve been there. Okay, I didn’t sleep with someone who was gay who decided to not be gay so they could be with me and then fuck up the relationship by suggesting a weird, twisted threesome. But that moment -- that moment with that person that you should have/could have/might have made something beautiful and perfect but somehow, you fucked it up and there’s no way to go back. And you both stand there, the moment hanging between you, the want, the need, the regret tangible as you talk about nothing. The desire to say, I love you, you changed me, you marked me for life. I will never forget you. I wish I could take you in my arms right now and that we could go back to before all of this. I wish… I want… I’m sorry.

But we never get to say that. We never get that perfect closure. It’s always held between you, with nothing and no way to ever close it. We just look, we just wish, we just let that breath, that moment hang… until it’s gone.

And you move through the door. You say, oh, that’s just some guy/girl I knew. And that’s it. Some person I knew. And the door closes and it’s gone.

And it makes me stop now, as I’m chasing again, and suddenly realize that it’s going to be the same thing that it’s always been. Chase, heart held out, crash, boom, bang. Door closing. That moment, that look, that breath filled with intent and thought but never expressed. Chasing (your name here)…

Some day I may figure out that chasing is a waste of time. There are those who cannot be caught.