Who are you and what are you doing with her?

Okay, I realize I don’t really blog anymore but I couldn’t let this one go…

I was talking to the wonder that is Zadra the other night, bemoaning my continued ability to fall for men who really appear to want to be with me, yet won’t. Yes, once again, I’m in that spot, dear readers. Cuz I’m an idiot and apparently like to torture myself.

Anyway, Zadra peppered me with questions as only she can do. Her point was this is now the fourth time (well, maybe third cuz we decided one of the guys is an anomaly) that I’ve kind of fallen for someone who really, really, REALLY seems interested, all the physical contact, saying all the right things, and yet, no movement in the romance department.

Now, I realize most guys are kind of dense about this kind of thing, which makes me laugh. My guy friends will say, in one breath, if a guy likes you, he likes you and he’ll let you know. Then in the next breath, they’ll say, but we don’t always know if you like us so then we’re scared to make a move and sometimes we just are too afraid to make a move, especially if you’re a friend already, and then we get scared cuz what if we’re wrong or maybe we don’t see the signs… You get the picture.

But Zadra brought up a really interesting thing to me the other night. Despite the fact that these men all have very different personalities, they all share traits that I apparently find attractive - very, very smart, very funny, grounded, dependable, consistent, emotionally supportive, did I mention smart? All great traits and I understand why I want those traits in the man I’m with.

The other thing these men share - they’re all with what I would call the “Oprah Cult” - women who live and die by what Oprah says and which books she says you should read. They’re the ones who think “Eat, Pray, Love” can change their lives. The ones who accessorize by Glamour, only without the originality, and who are the ones whose lives will only be complete with the husband and the white picket fence and the dog, as long as the dog is the kind that Oprah tells them they can have. They live perfectly fine lives within their white picket fence world and they get down right offended when you point out that life within that picket fence is not perfect and maybe Oprah isn’t right and that “Eat, Pray, Love” isn’t about your life, it’s about someone else’s and your trying to bogart that experience isn’t going to enrich your life, just empty your wallet. They live ordinary lives with ordinary expectations and will look back in thirty years and maybe wonder, for a half a moment when Oprah’s at commercial break, if maybe there could have been more. But then Oprah will come back and tell them, yes, you can break out of the mundanity of your life, but only if you buy this book that’s on my best seller list. And they’ll look back and think, I did what I was supposed to do, was with the kind of guy I was told I should be with and I lived the way I was told I should live.

I know I sound harsh and I don’t mean to. These women are very lovely women. They’re sweet and they’re well-meaning and they’re always very kind and gracious to me, particularly when it comes to my hanging out with their men. They work very hard and they struggle with all the same crap that I struggle with. They’re perfectly fine women.

Well, “fine” to me is not a great adjective. In a writer’s group I used to belong to, if you brought in pages that were solid and okay and straightforward but maybe a little vanilla but not bad enough to criticize, they were called “fine”. Fine because there’s nothing really wrong with them but there’s nothing really right with them. They kind of exist and they don’t offend anyone so they’re fine.

I find these women “fine”. I know this because I used to be one of that cult. I was “fine” for a long time. I was what I was supposed to be. A good wife because I cooked dinner most nights of the week. Fine because I supported my husband and made sure he came first. I read Oprah’s magazine and took all her advice. I did accessorize a little better than Glamour and always stuck to my own style so I deviated from the cult a little bit. But I tried to do what I was “supposed” to do and be who I was “supposed” to be, whether it was by his expectations or my interpretation of what a woman was “supposed” to be.

But I left the cult because it almost killed me. I discovered I had more to give than good chicken dinner. I had more I wanted than just being a pretty accessory. I had more to say than just “yes, dear”.

And maybe that’s why these men find me attractive but maybe a bit scary. Part of me is that woman who will make dinner and take care of them when they’re sick. Part of me is that “fine” woman who is what she is “supposed” to be. But the other part of me is the scary/sexy/attractive part. Maybe a little dangerous. I’m a woman who does what she wants and doesn’t necessarily “need” a man to hold her up and carry her along. I don’t need you to tell me how to run my career, I don’t need you to tell me how to cook dinner, I don’t need you for all the things that society has told women they need men to do. And that’s maybe a little scary and daunting and exciting for a guy. A woman who doesn’t have windshield wiper emergencies. A woman who can hold her own in any room. Yet who can be kind and gentle and loving. And who really needs them just the way the "fine" women need them, but maybe that's not quite as obvious.

But I’m not comfortable, maybe, for most men because of this. I don’t feel like the other women they know because I’m not like the other women they know. I’m like the bad boy that women are drawn to - different, exotic, thrilling but just a little scary.

So these men, while they may be drawn to that weird, different, uncomfortableness that is me won’t ever step outside their comfort zone to be with someone… well… uncomfortable. We’re just not made like that, I guess. We see something different, we desire it, but we’re afraid to go after it because it’s different.

Then Zadra asked me about why I’m drawn to these men. Yes, they’re smart, funny, talented, sincere, grounded, all that stuff. Is that my comfort zone? Am I looking for something familiar, something comfortable and missing something unique and exotic and scary? Am I doing the same thing, looking for something safe instead of something I want?

That’s a hard one because I want - I need - someone stable because I’m not terribly stable. I need someone to ground me, but I also want someone who’s ready to leap off the cliff with me, maybe pausing to grab a couple of parachutes and some rations for when we land.

I know I’m comfortable with these men and they make me feel safe. But does that mean they’re “safe” and “fine” and I’m not willing to step out of my own twisted version of the white picket fence? Am I seeing what’s on the other side of the fence, something that is maybe not so white-pickety, that may be a little scary, a little different?

Hmmmm… I’m not sure. I’m not seeing many options other than those standing in front of me so I’m not sure I’m missing something. But Zadra’s comments made me stop and think about sitting in my comfort zone and whether or not I’m just following my nose to something familiar or are these men not familiar?

The hardest thing is the new guy who won’t date me has raised some red flags in my head. He’s so similar to my ex in so many ways, I should avoid any contact with him at all. Zadra sees it, too. But most of the familiar things are the things that attracted me to my ex in the first place, although there are a few of the deep, dark things lurking there. However, he also has many traits that are not like the ex, which is the saving grace, I guess. But it brings me back to am I attracted to him because he feels like someone I’ve been with, something I know? Or am I attracted to him because I’m just attracted to him?

I have no answers today. Not sure I ever will. But it got me thinking and it’s something I will have ponder more…