I have to take my heart off my sleeve and put it back in my chest, where it belongs.
It was pointed out to me tonight how obvious my recent affection is. And the fact that that affection could not/would not be returned.
And I was embarrassed to grasp that this was all to obvious to the entire world.
Except my little heart.
I need to learn to keep my feelings a bit closer to me, not let them run wild. And I’m not saying shut down every emotion I have and join the land of Stepford.
But when my heart finds itself drawn to someone, it tends to be a big, huge, loud beacon saying, look, I’m going over here! And I’m going to show the entire world how much affection I have for this person! No, really, I get that there’s no future and that my affection is probably not returned in an equivalent way. But that’s okay. I need to be stepped on publicly and share my torment publicly.
I need to learn to not give my heart away when there is no hope in it being returned. There is no heart out there, pining for me, and I have to learn to keep my heart where it belongs, safe and protected, quiet and silent, inside. Away from the public eye, away from the pitying look and sympathetic gaze of those around me, like the ones I got tonight. So I don’t have to apologize and feel shame at how I feel.
I knew I was making an ass of myself in the midst of this. I always do. But I just don’t seem to be able to stop myself. I convinced myself that really no one other than a few close friends could see what an ass I was. But I was wrong. Big old ass in front of the entire world.
A pattern that I have to break and stop repeating ad nauseum. Maybe this is the slap in my face I needed to learn this lesson. Maybe next time I lose my heart ridiculously, I can kill it before it makes an ass of me again.
1 comment:
You know, there is a verse in the Bible that refers to "guarding your heart," and I think that this is a key phrase in this instance. Guard your heart from all the crap, and attacks from other people and only reveal it to those who have truly earned your trust to handle it with care.
Of course, there are no guarantees as to whether someone will actually respect your vulnerable heart, but I guess that's the risk we take hey?
Hold your head up girl - you have nothing to be ashamed of.
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