Moment to moment

Depression can reduce your life to single moments followed by single moments.

I had a very bad day today. Nothing in particular set it off. Just kind of the usual - lonely, my family, my finances, lonely, missing someone I have no business missing, etc., etc., etc.

I could not get off the couch. I have a ton of things to do for my new show (another post on another day about that one - it is going very well), a ton of things to do for my life. But I laid on the couch.

Today got reduced to moments. I’ll get up some water when there’s a commercial. I get a glass of water, lay back on the couch. I’ll send the emails in five minutes. I send the emails, lay back on the couch. I’ll get ready for the Hurricane Season cast party when Mythbusters is over. I force myself to dress cute just so that I do something other than lay on the couch.

I could only go moment to moment because I couldn’t deal with anything else. The thought of trying to figure out tomorrow was not even in the picture. I figured if I survived today, that was accomplishment enough.

I know depression can steal your life away. It stole a few years of mine. I spent a lot of days just sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, unable to find the moment to moment momentum. Just stare. It ate my life.

So when I am engulfed in the lonely that is so deep and so hard that it seeps into my cellular structure, I know I have to keep myself moving, even if it is a moment at a time. Otherwise, there is nothing but pain and sorrow and sobbing and loss. If I can get through this moment, this half hour, this TV show and not get lost, then I’ll be okay. If I can keep myself from giving in for this moment, this minute, this hour, then I’ll be okay. If I can just keep myself going…

Today, I made it from moment to moment. I got a few things done, I even went to the cast party (small but that’s okay). Now I’m trying to keep myself focused on getting through the next little while to get ready for bed and face tomorrow. I can already feel the sucking pull of the black hole, trying to get me back. But if I can get through this post and wash my face and force myself to chant, then maybe I can get through the rest of the night and leave this all behind tomorrow.

If not, then tomorrow becomes moments and I hope for the day after.