Just needed to know

I just needed to know that you loved me. Not that you loved me because I behaved or because I did what you wanted me to do. Not that you loved me because I met your expectations or your unintelligible requirements. Not that you loved me because you had to or because we were married.

I just needed to know that you loved me.

Loved me.

Flawed. Failed. Floundering. Depressed. Ambitious. Determined. Fragile. Strong. Defeated. Difficult. Successful. Powerful. Weak.

Loved me.

It’s pretty simple, actually. Just love me.

I tried to love you that way. No matter how damaged you were, no matter how much you made me tremble in fear, no matter how much you hurt me and wounded me. Loved you.

Loved you.

Maybe that wasn’t obvious to you in the last few years of us but I did my best to just simply love you. As much as I could.

Maybe that’s what you did - loved me as much as you could.

But for all the times you said it, all the times you wrote it down, all the times you told other people, there were so very few times when I felt it. That you just simply loved me.

And in the end, I had hoped that that simple fact would win out - that you loved me. You told me over and over you would never let me go. You’d hunt me down, you’d bring me back. Because you loved me. Loved me that much.

But your pride won out over your love. And it showed me just how difficult that one simple request was. You couldn’t just love me. It had to have limits, it had to have rules, it had to have your mother’s approval.

It makes me wonder if that simple request is even possible.

Just love me.

Just me.

Just love.

Just love me.