I’m afraid this is it - this is the life I’m going to live for the rest of my days.
Not that it’s a bad life. There is so much about this life that I love and that I appreciate. But the biggest hole in my life is a partner.
Now, don’t inundate me with “don’t worry, you’ll find someone” crap. I know, I know. It’s just right now - this moment - I feel like maybe I’ve had the love of my life and I missed it or I fucked it up somehow. And that I don’t get or deserve another chance at it. That I will spend the next 40 years of my life with my cat, my dear, dear friends and nothing else. Because I had that love, that soulmate, and managed to somehow lose it.
I think that love was really my first husband. I loved him in a way that I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of loving someone again. In the way that only a girl turning into a woman can love the first man she truly, totally, completely gives her heart to. That one man who is the “forever” man, the one we expect to spend the rest of our lives with. That man who makes your heart jump and your face flush when he walks into the room. That man who takes your heart and will always keep a tiny bit of it with him no matter how old you get or how far the distance is between you.
That is a love that can never, ever be felt again. It’s an innocent love, before your heart is broken into so many pieces that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could never put it back together again. When you believe in forever, when you believe there is a forever to be had.
My second husband was the grown up love. Mature. Sensible. We fit together so incredibly well that I thought that this was what I should have been seeking all along. Someone who was like a twin brother rather than a lover. Someone who anticipated my sentences and almost read my mind. I thought he was the soulmate, the other half that I was supposed to have. He felt like forever just because he was determined not to ever, ever, ever let me go, no matter what. He said it over and over again - I’ll never let you go. If you leave, I’ll chase you and bring you back. I wanted that devotion and it’s one of the things that kept me there for so long. How could I leave? He would always find me, bring me back and keep me forever.
That’s the love I wanted - forever love. But I don’t think that love ever equaled what I felt the first time because the first time had torn my heart apart so much that it never was quite whole again.
And now, I’ve been alone for almost four years. Not even close to a date in at least three. I thought there was someone, I thought he was going to be THE love. He was such a combination of what I felt for both the men I had loved that I thought it was the next logical person. He made me feel like no one had made me feel in 20 years. He found that one little piece of my heart that remembered that new love, that young love, that innocent love, looking past the pain and the ache and the fear. He made my heart leap into my throat whenever he walked into the room. He was half of me for a while, despite never being more than a friend. I hoped he would come around, I hoped he would see me that way. And I think he did, although he couldn’t let himself. I still feel him in my heart sometimes, despite the eventual distance that has grown between us. He felt like what I wanted, yet apparently it wasn’t meant to be.
And I keep finding those men, those men who are what I think I want. All the men in my life have similarities. Talent is a big thing. In whatever field they’re in. Ambition. Always a key. With just enough arrogance to believe that their ambition will lead them to where they desire to go. Cocky, talented, confident, aggressive men. Yup. That’s me. Take my heart, throw it on the ground under your feet and walk all over me.
But I don’t know if that kind of man can see or handle the vulnerable part of me. I think I’m attracted to them because they reflect the way I hope I am or that I want to be. I think I need someone strong in their own belief in themselves, hoping that they’ll be that strong in their belief in me. A man who isn’t that solid in themselves are afraid of me and intimidated by me. But the men I love to be around always seem to already be in relationships with someone who needs them more than someone like me.
I know I’m not making sense but it’s late and I’ve had a crazy couple of days. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think there is someone out there for me. Someone who can handle me. Someone who wants to handle me. I think I’ve had my shots at happiness and whether they didn’t work out because of me or because of them or because we all fucked up on all sides, I think maybe they were the shots I had. Now I have to step aside and let those other women out there have their shots. Maybe I need to find the love of my life in my work and in my own life before I can even think there might be a love of my life out there. Maybe the love of my life needs to, has to be me. Maybe it’s that simple. To learn to love me and be fulfilled in that. I guess that could be the greatest love I could ever find - true love of my own self and my own soul.
Or maybe I’ll wake up in the morning and completely change my mind. Stay tuned…
2 comments:
don’t worry, you’ll find someone...
T
I say this with the best of intentions: You're wrong.
There are no finite shots at love, happiness, soulmates, etc. There is nobody standing with a scorecard going "Yep, She blew the two or three chances that we gave her, so I sentence her to a life of spinsterdom."
It doesn't work like that. It feels like it does (and trust me, I know, because I've been alone longer than you and whining about it every step of the way), but it doesn't.
There is someone out there for you, because God (or Higher Power, or the Universe or whatever you want to call it) gave you that desire, because He has every intention of fulfilling it.
You know how there are some women in life who are perfectly content in being alone? You are not one of those women, this blog alone is evidence of it.
God/Higher Power/Universe/Whatever gave you amazing gifts like painting and teaching and directing and writing, and He's super super stoked that you've found a way to excel in those gifts.
Why would He give you those things and forget the one longing in your heart that means the most to you - to be in love with a wonderful man?
He hasn't forgotten. Because He doesn't forget anything about you, and He especially doesn't forget that's the thing you want the most.
True, His timing sucks. His timing is never our timing, and I spend many a day shaking a fist up to the sky and saying, "Yoooooooou suck! I want my future husband NOW! NOW DAMMIT NOW!" and acting like a complete brattykins.
But we can't see the whole picture. We only see the float in front of us in the Rose Parade, we don't see the whole thing from the Goodyear Blimp like He does.
There is someone out there for you, Susan. I promise you. It's going to take longer than you want to find him, because we're in Los Angeles, and the men here need a lot of work. A LOT of work.
But your man is out there. God's probably working on him the same way that God's working on you, and when both of you are ready (and unfortunately, only God knows when that time is), you'll find each other.
Practically speaking, I find that the best way to cheer myself up when I feel this way (and it literally was just yesterday that I had the thought, "I'm dying inside, and I can feel my heart is withering because I'm alone.") is to concentrate on the stuff I know I'm good at, which it sounds like you're already doing.
But don't think that you've somehow wasted all your chances. God doesn't keep score.
Sorry to go on such a long tear, but you know how it is, you spark to the things in other people that you see in yourself.
Post a Comment