And add a touch of...

For the first time in my adult life, I look forward to cooking. Cooking just about anything. Maybe because, for the first time in my adult life, I feel like it’s my kitchen.

My first husband was a chef so I was always intimidated by that. I did make a few fabulous dishes. I seem to remember doing roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, which actually turned out great. Good thing, too, because I think it was to impress is bitch of a mother (sorry, TS, but it’s true). And I think I made one magnificent order of eggs benedict, surprising even myself.

My second husband was critical of everything I cooked. If I made chicken, he’d say, that was good but I was really in the mood for steak. Or, next time, maybe add more of this or that. Keep in mind, the only time he ever cooked during our almost 20 years together was to grill a couple of times over the summer. I did love to make a particular veal stew (live with it, I made something with dead baby cows), mainly because it filled the loft with the most delicious smell of bay leaves and garlic and onion that just made it feel like home for an evening. We also ate out a lot due to our crazy schedules but I never felt great cooking anything.

Living with my roomie, T, the kitchen wasn’t really conducive for cooking. Small and tight and I didn’t really feel like I belonged there. Although I did make one amazing, awesome dinner one night for PRS and his mother and Chairman, just as a thank you for being so wonderful to me that first year of me being on my own. It was just simple stir fry but I made three different ones and had nine little cheesecakes for dessert. And Chairman brought a delicious dessert wine that we drank over ice. Maybe it was the food or maybe it was the company but I keep that night as one of the most beautiful nights of my life.

Living here for the past two years, I have rarely cooked because my mother would hover over and carry on a running commentary about what I was cooking, whether it was pasta or scrambled eggs. And she would stand and smoke in the kitchen while I was cooking, which really took away whatever flavor there was to my food.

Cooking was always done as a necessity, except for the rare occasion. And, as with so many things in my life, there was always such an association of criticism attached to cooking. It really took that lovely dinner with PRS and Chairman, where they just ate in silence for about ten minutes and then almost moaned in appreciation, for me to understand that cooking can be about pleasure and giving pleasure and just simply enjoying the food.

I realized today, as I’m sitting here, knitting and waiting for laundry to be done, that I am excited about the idea of going into the kitchen and making some either pasta or scrambled eggs for lunch. Just excited about going into the kitchen and whipping up something for dinner. And I’ve spent about $100 this week on groceries so there would be things I could cook, mainly because of financial concerns. $100 on groceries goes much further than $100 in take-out. That just shows how excited I am about the idea of using the kitchen to its fullest potential.

But just the simple fact that I’m embracing the kitchen says a lot to me. I’ve never been a big “foodie”. I just want something to eat. But the fact that I can do that simple task without having any criticism and critique going on in the background speaks volumes.

It’s part of the whole rebirth of my soul, now that I am truly accepting and embracing my life as it is. Not trying to make it something it’s not. Just enjoying the day to day existence of life. Not focusing on, oh, my god, what am I going to do tomorrow and the day after and the day after and then thousands of days after that. I’m focusing on today, this moment, this time, this space. This single plate of scrambled eggs. That’s my focus.

It sounds simple but it’s been a long journey to enjoying these simple moments without creating something highly dramatic about every little thing in my life. It’s about scrambled eggs, it’s about this show, it’s about this painting, not about my whole life in one single moment.

So this moment is about how much I’m going to enjoy simple scrambled eggs with some hash browns and artisan bread for lunch. And then I’ll get my laundry out of the dryer. And then maybe paint. But that’s as far as I want to think right now. Not think about rehearsal tonight and work I have to do for tomorrow and teaching tomorrow. Just about this moment, these eggs, this single solitary time in my life. And that’s just perfectly fine with me.