The last few months have gotten me thinking about balance, both as a concept of making things equal and as a concept of the remainder of something.
I have a hard time balancing things. Zadra pointed out to me on time that I tend to be all or nothing, black or white, very little grey. Sometimes, that’s great. It means I make decisions quickly, I am quick to adapt to changes in situations, etc. It also means I occasionally react too quickly and sometimes don’t think things through before I leap off the cliff. I’ve found myself way in over my head a few times because of this all or nothing attitude and, since Zadra told me that, I’ve been working very hard to not be that black and white, to not be that reactive, to find the balance between being quick-thinking and impulsive, to find the balance of not being mired in too much thought while making sure I take the time to think. It’s a difficult balance for me and one I will probably struggle with all my life.
My relationships tend to be that way - you’re my friend or you’re not. There’s very little room for in between. If I love you, then I LOVE you and that’s it. If you do something that breaks from my expectation of you, the disappointment is so deep and so black that there is no air in there. Particularly when it comes to men, and I’m realizing how much of that is from my relationship with my mother, weirdly enough. I want the men in my life to LOVE me and I bend myself into a million different pretzel shapes to be what I think they want from me instead of just being me and fuck them if they don’t like that shape. Finding the balance between being myself and being something I’m not. Find the balance between the all or nothing I feel about most of the men in my life and just taking the relationship we have at its face value instead of doing to them what I do to myself – make them and our relationship into something I think I want it to be.
This was very clear the other night when I left Cute Boy behind after a very black evening I had been having. He could not have been more delightful and charming and entertaining after he heard about my bouts of depression. He did everything but puppet shows to cheer me up and I think if he had had an extra pair of socks on him, puppets would have definitely made the scene. Driving home, instead of being delighted to have such a wonderful friend and instead of seeing the love and affection he showed me by trying to cheer me up without fixing me, I got stuck on wanting more than that. Because that’s the way my life has always been – wanting more of something instead of appreciating what I have – finding the balance. I made myself stop and say, “I’m so very glad Cute Boy is in my life, no matter what the capacity, because my life would be missing something if he weren’t there.” Finding the balance between really wishing there was something more there and accepting that there just isn’t going to be and embracing what we have, instead of diminishing it because of what it can’t be. Balancing the moment with the wish. That’s a hard one for me and I’m trying to just exist in that moment where I am grateful for his very special friendship and the bond we have without turning it into something else. Just be. Just accept. Balance.
A recent situation has made me also evaluate the constant struggle for balance between being an authority figure and being a friend. It’s always a challenge to work with people you know because those lines get blurred and we all forget where there lines were. Trying to find the balance between being kind and nurturing and understanding and making difficult choices and difficult decisions. Finding the balance between being the person I want to be and the person I have to be. Finding the balance between what is expected and what is real. Finding the balance in me to stand up and say “enough” and weather the storm and just letting things lay and losing myself in the storm. It’s been a hard couple of weeks for me, and a learning experience for me about standing up for what I want and trying not to break toes on the way. Finding the balance between hard and soft, between challenges and solutions. Finding the balance between giving up something and gaining something. And not allowing my clowns (“little red noses and big floppy feet” and all) to throw that balance off by adding weights to the already tipped scales of criticism and keeping the scales balanced by knowing I did what I thought was right.
And then there’s balance, as in the amount of something that is left. Losing Perry so recently makes me think about the balance of my life. I struggle right now because I don’t see my life as being what I want it to be. It’s all out of balance, out of sync, and it is difficult every single day because I don’t see the end in sight of this dislocation of my life. What made me change my life was the thought of the balance of my life and what that would be made up of. Perry looked at the balance of his life and decided to make it a balance of a life of things that would make him happy. He helped me on my film because he always wanted to work with me. I’m sure I made him crazy as we have two very different styles of filmmaking but I’m glad he did it because there was no balance in his life left and we were able to share a very special moment in time. He changed his life so that he was doing exactly what he wanted to do when the balance of his life ran out. He had someone in his life who had loved like I have never seen him love someone. He looked at the balance of his life and decided this is what it would be. I want to remember that there is a balance to our lives and none of us know what that amount is. Perry struggled for a long time to find his balance and I think he found it in the last months of the balance of his life.
I don’t want to find that balance in the last few moments of my life. I want to find that balance while I’m living the balance of my life. I want to hang on to the scales and make sure that I check them constantly for balance – whether it’s professionally as I juggle too many projects right now, or in my relationship with Cute Boy (or future Cute Boys or Geeky Boys or Adorable Boys or Crush Boys), or in my relationships with the amazing women in my life. Find the balance where it isn’t all or nothing, find the balance that keeps the world on a reasonably even keel so I’m not constantly trying to keep my sea legs under me.
Find the balance for the balance of my life. That’s my goal this year. And next year. And for the balance of my life.
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