Of course

Of course I can't get over you.

You were, in so many ways, the first true love of my life.

At least this version of my life.

I waited almost seven years for someone like you. 

And you arrived just when I needed you the most... and the least.

When we began, I didn't need you. I didn't need anyone to make my life complete. And maybe that's why you came in when you did.

And then I needed you more than I ever thought I would. And you were there. Quiet. Effortless. Just there.

And you showed me that to love someone didn't have to hurt, didn't have to be difficult. That you could talk to each other without hurting each other. That things could be let go and never brought up again. That you could just be with each other and that that could be enough.

And it was enough. Even when I said I needed more, it was almost enough.

Almost.

And I think for a moment, you loved, too, as much as you didn't want to. And it was everything I ever wanted and never knew you could have.

And a year ago, you gave me a perfect Valentine's Day because we didn't treat it like it was. It was quiet and easy and simple. Just us. Just being us. Just enjoying each other. Just that. Just simple. The best Valentine's Day ever.

And I have never been with someone like you. So of course I can't figure out how to leave you behind. Because you hit me harder than maybe you've hit anyone before, simply because I've never had someone like you. You showed me such passion that you left me breathless. 

Maybe there are a million of you out there and I will find someone else who is just as easy and just as simple and just as perfect. And you will recede into that space of fond memories and comfort.

But for now...

I just simply can't seem to let you go.  I just simply wish we could go back and try it again, pick up and start over. And when I saw you last week and we sat and talked like we always talk, it made me just want to hold you and kiss you and tell you how wrong I was to walk away. Because I want you, I miss you, I wish you were here.

You are also the first one who has stayed around. I'm so used to wallowing in the pain and not understanding why someone has walked away from me that now I don't know what to do with the fact that you're still here, in my life.

And I'm glad you're here and I know it'll get back to being simple and easy with you. It already is in so many ways.

It's just hard to let you go at the end of the night. Because I really didn't want to let you go in the first place. Maybe I was wrong. But I don't think so. I let you go before you broke my heart in pieces, because I think that's where it would have gone.

And I hope you don't read this blog anymore because... well, because maybe you don't need to know this.

But on this day of love and hearts,  I just thought you should know.

You were a true love of my life. And I'm still here. And if you wanted to...

And I hope you find what your heart desires. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be loved in the most spectacular way. Because you loved me in the most spectacular way, even if you didn't mean to. And I still love you and probably always will.