Deserving love

"We accept the love we think we deserve." 

Great line written by Stephen Chbosky from "Perks of Being a Wallflower".

And we do. Or at least I do. I accept the love I think I deserve.

The problem is, I've been taught I deserve love that makes me feel invisible and insignificant. I deserve love that is somehow less than. I deserve men who almost love me but stop just short of the love I want, but that I don't feel I deserve.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Ever since I heard that quote, it's stuck in my head. "The love we think we deserve." 

I've said time and time again about my husbands that they loved me as best they could, as much as they could. So that's apparently the love I deserve - the best they can. Never what I need,  just the best they can. And I have always accepted that. The almost. The not-enough. Because that's the love I think I deserve.

With the Filmmaker, I accepted the almost right up front because he told me from the beginning that this would never be something long term or serious. And I accepted that because he's so darling and charming and lovely. And he kissed me under the full moon. And said wonderful things. It felt so much more than maybe it was. And I felt the arm's length the whole time but I accepted it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

And even today, I wish I could have the arm's length back because he was so close to what I want. But even he said, "You deserve to be with someone who's going to be what you deserve." But I thought he was what I deserved - the almost.  

And in talking with the therapist at WeSPARK about a variety of issues exacerbated by my cancer treatment (losing my dad, financial struggles, ending this relationship with the Filmmaker), she brought up the fact that I always am drawn to men who can't be what I need. There's always an emotional distance there that I can never seem to bridge. And somehow, that's what I feel I deserve - almost there but not quite. And I accept that.

But why?

There are obvious answers to that. My screwed up family who can make me feel loved and insignificant at the same time. The only one who ever really made me feel really loved was my father. But he was so quiet about it, I didn't realize it until he was almost gone.

But that's what I think I deserve - schizophrenic love that pulls me close and makes me believe and makes me fall and makes me feel like this is what I've always wanted, and then pushes me so far away, I can't see them anymore and I can't figure out why I'm standing here, broken, hurt, alone and devastated. You said you'd always love me, yet you fucked some other woman and left. You said you'd never leave me, yet you showed up with divorce papers before I could figure out what I wanted.  And you and you and you, all of you said you'd always be my friend, you'd always be there for me. And you're not. And I accept that because...

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

And in all the thinking I've done since ending things with the Filmmaker and in talking with the therapist, it's made me realize that I do think that the only love I deserve is second rate, less than, not what I want kind of love.

And you know what?

Fuck that.

I deserve a full love. A love that not only fills my soul with light and joy but fills his soul as well. I deserve someone who wants my love as much as I want his. My therapist said something about finding someone you can come together with and just celebrate being with each other. Celebrate who each person is without trying to change them or make them something else. Celebrate being together without clinging and pulling and desperate needing. Just celebrate the being together. That doesn't mean every minute is going to be sunshine and puppies, but it means that the harder times will be easier to get through because there is balance, there is harmony, there is a foundation where each person stands. Not pulling the other one off balance but helping each other stay on balance.

That's the love I deserve. I saw glimpses of it with the Filmmaker, which is probably why I fell so hard and why I miss him so much still. I felt like we celebrated each other, without pulling, without dragging. Just being with each other. I didn't need to be anything but me, literally scars and all. And I hoped that he would feel that balance with me and let that arm bend and pull me closer. Because I think he deserves that love as well. But he accepts the love he thinks he deserves. And I can't change that.

But I'm beginning to realize that I deserve more. 

I deserve someone who thinks of me first... well, almost first. I don't need someone who's gonna text me a hundred times a day and forgets who he is. But someone who makes me a priority, not an afterthought.

Someone who can't keep his hands off of me because he thinks I'm beautiful.

Someone who treats me with respect and dignity.

Someone who looks at me the way you did, for a while, at least. With his heart in his eyes so my heart can look back at his, like mine did at yours.

Someone fearless, who can be with me without worrying about what his past did to him and what others might think about us. Someone who can just be with me in the present, unafraid that there might be a future, whatever that may look like. 

Someone who understands that we get to create this and not have to stick a label on it. It can just be about us, not the world.  After all, at the end of the day, it's just us that curl up together in bed together. No one else gets to be there with us and decide who we are.

Someone who wants to create this. With me. Because it's me. And because it's him.

Someone who won't be an almost. Someone who will be all.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I accept that I deserve more. I deserve what I want.

Now, if only there's someone out there who thinks I'm exactly what he deserves.

I want to be hopeful, but I'm not holding my breath...