Better now

Okay, not so crazy today.

It’s been an emotional roller coaster since my diagnosis. Some days, I’m sane and totally in control. Other days, my emotions change as fast as the weather in San Francisco.

But I won’t apologize. The challenge with writing this blog is that some days, I look back at what I wrote in the previous entry and I kind of cringe. Did I really say that? Yeah, I did. That’s how I felt at that second, at that moment, deep in my head and my heart.

And it’s also challenging because I know that some of the people I talk about actually read this blog. But I promised when I started that I wouldn’t hold back unless someone told me to hold back. So if you’re in my life, you’re in my blog, unless you tell me to do otherwise.

But I have to write like no one is reading this. And let the chips fall where they may.

Today, I feel centered and in control, for the moment. Maybe it’s finally getting an appointment set up for a week from Friday to meet with a breast surgeon, someone who may actually be able to help me figure out my treatment. Maybe it’s that I got to spend the entire afternoon in a beautiful park, painting, as part of my watercolor class. Maybe it’s that I got some of this shit worked out when I blogged.

And I’m trying not to obsess over the fact that I currently have a B in most of my classes, instead of my usual A. And I’m trying not to freak out about that. There’s enough time left in the semester that I should be able to bring my grades back up. I can redo some of the assignments for my watercolor class and there are still a few more things in my art history class that I can do to gain a few extra points. So I’m trying to just let that go for now and not worry about a B.

And I did find a really good support group online that gave me a lot of information without overwhelming me with misinformation so I feel a bit better about where I am in my treatment. Some people got their surgery, treatment, etc., right away and some, like me, waited a while.

And a very generous offer came my way today from an artist I barely know. She wants to reach out to the art community we are both a part of and find a way to raise some money to help me out with my day to day expenses as I go through treatment. Touched and humbled me in such a deep way to have someone I barely know reach out to me.

And my friends, of course, continue to embrace me and comfort me and let me know in a million ways that they are there, they love me and that I am not alone in this fight.

And my dearest Filmmaker, if you read this and/or the previous entry, know that I’m just fine with where we are. You have been so kind and so incredibly generous in so many ways and I am so grateful for that. You are very special to me, whether you want to be or not, and I know you’re there and that’s enough for me.

And thinking about the Filmmaker makes me very glad that I have someone like him to hold my hand through this. While we may not be what I’d like to be with someone eventually, he’s here and he’s sweet and he takes very good care of me.

And it makes me think about my ex. I could have never gone through this with him. He could be kind and he could be sympathetic but it never lasted. I had pneumonia at one point – double pneumonia, actually – was in the hospital for three days. When I came home, I was supposed to be on strict bed rest for three weeks so I could recover and heal. Unfortunately, I was producing a major website at that time (in the earlier days of the internet) and I had to go into work a couple of times so I could oversee this multi-million dollar launch. I even had a laptop brought into the hospital so I could check email and do some client work while I was there. Well, he thought that since I “could” work that I should be able to do housework and make dinner every night. Never mind that by the time I got home from just a couple of hours at work, I could barely make it up our stairs to our apartment and I couldn’t breathe. Never mind that I was so sick, I couldn’t stay awake for more than a few hours at a time. But during my entire recovery, he would call every day from work and ask what I was making for dinner. He never cooked that whole time, not once. And he never brought anything home. If I didn’t cook, we had to go out to eat. Because that was easy for me – go sit at a restaurant, coughing up a lung (just about literally), and then have to deal with being berated for not cooking the entire time.

Needless to say, glad I don’t have him around to see me through this.

So for today, I’ll take that I’m happy and I’m feeling good, albeit very, very tired. I’ll be glad that I got some painting done tonight on my painting class homework and the painting is coming together beautifully. I’ll be thankful for the wonderful people in my life who continue to support me, love me and surprise me.

Not sure what tomorrow brings but I’ll deal with that tomorrow.