I need to fall in love with my life again.
When I first began this journey just about six years ago, I discovered a life that I fell in love with. I embraced the newness of what I found. I fell.
And for a long time, it was true love. Beautiful, touching, amazing. Discovery around every corner. Adventures. Love. Perfect in its imperfection.
But then reality set in and, like most things, love was fallen out of. And it got difficult. And ugly. And hard. And the love I felt once, so long ago, was gone.
And I’ve been not in love with my life for a while. I’m not sure when it happened but I turned around and there was no love there.
And I need to fall in love with my life again.
I need to stop shedding tears over what has been and what has been done and I need to find tears of joy for what is to become.
I need to find the music and the dance and the joy and the light. I’ve spent too much time in the dark, living on the edges, peeking around corners at life.
I need to stop waiting, wanting, needing, craving someone to share this with, someone who will somehow magically make it all better, make it all light, make it all love. I need to truly discover that I am enough and that I need to let go of the expectation that someone is going to be at my side and lead me into the sunset. The vision I had a few years ago of a window and a chair and music and love is fading. It was a beautiful fantasy while it lasted.
But now I need a new vision, one that is solely me. And for the first time in a long time, I can’t see the canvas that this vision will be painted on. I just see… me. Just me. Nothing else. No one else. That’s the vision, that’s the future.
And it doesn’t mean I’ll be alone. It just means I have to be able to be alone and be able to find the joy that way, not through someone, not because of someone. But just because of me.
I need to fall in love with me again. The me that made me leave. The me that believed I could be strong, I could be powerful, I could be exactly what I wanted to be.
I need to look around my life and be in love with every moment and every day and every second.
I need to be in love with this life because it’s taken blood and sweat and too many tears to count to build. And it would be wasted if I didn’t love it. It would mean that everything I’ve done doesn’t count, doesn’t mean anything.
And I need to be in love with me. Broken, battered, bruised, fragile, delicate, breakable, and all of that, all of the flaws. Be in love with that and treat that person with the love she deserves.
I need to fall in love with my life again. And right now, I at least have a crush on my life again.
6 comments:
What you need to understand, Susan, is that the image of yourself that you put up on that stage doesn't even begin to encompass the magnitude of the person that you've so obviously evolved into.
Yeah, I need to fall in love with me again. But maybe I'm too old....
Hey, Jane. I don't think we're ever too old to fall in love with ourselves again. Otherwise, what would be the point of continuing to go on? Take yourself out on a date and wine and dine yourself and see what you say. I bet you'll be surprised.
Fall back in love with your life ? Hm. Why not stay deeply committed to the relationship, and just work it? I was in a relationship for 16 years, until my wife died of cancer. Through all our ups and downs, we kept at it, worked through everything. We listened to one another and evolved. So in the same way, you can work through your marriage, to your own life and work, by listening to its rhythms and observing and acting the realities. As someone who was in a relationship right up to the very end (and as someone who is in the same field you are), I believe I know whereof I speak.
Wow. What a great post. I think that the fact you have realized that you want to fall back in love with your life, you're well on the way. I've got to say that I do love my life but there are days that crop up every now and then when I don't like it as much, :)
All your words are beautiful and raw. Life was not meant to be enchanting, some never fall in love with themselves no matter the age. Life is self discovery... and happiness is a road not a destination.
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