I want to run right now. Run away. Away from figuring things out. Away from the inevitable hurt that’s going to come. Because I want. Because I need. Because I’m me.
I want to hide away, pretend nothing was ever there. Because I’ve been here before -- and again. And probably will again. And it’s always the same.
Because I want to run. And I usually do.
And tonight I thought, I need to pull away, run away, leave you there because I think that’s what you want… now. After all that, after all the close and the want and the pounding heart, I have now decided that you don’t want it or me or any of it and it’d be easier to just run and hide and pretend there was never a want or a need or pounding hearts.
But really, I have no idea what you want, need, whatever. Because you’re a guy. And you’ll never let on what you want, need, whatever.
So my instinct right now is to run.
But a thought invaded my carefully laid plan to leave you in the metaphorical dirt.
Why is it when it comes to fight or flight, I flight? Why don’t I fight? Why don’t I stand in front of you and challenge you instead of running and hiding? Why don’t I take a risk, take a dare, take a chance and just fight for what is hanging in the air between us? Why is fight not an option?
I dunno.
Because fight means that it means something. Flight allows me to pretend that it never meant anything. Flight means I get to keep myself protected and pretend I never even thought about what was there.
And I don’t know how to fight for whatever is there. Because what if there is nothing there and I’m just shadow-boxing?
Because you’re in flight. Because you won’t fight. Because you’re so good at pretending there’s nothing in the air - no want, no need, no pounding heart. Because you’ve had to be in flight your whole life because nobody ever fought for you.
What would you do if I fought for you? If I stood my ground and made you see it. If I just refused to let you flee. Would you fight for me?
I dunno. Probably not. Because no one has ever fought for me either.
I guess I’m tired of fighting for something that the other person won’t fight for. I’m tired of having my gloves up and protecting myself while the other person fights their way past me, leaving me in the ring alone. Because that’s where it ends up - me alone.
And if I run away now, at least I choose to be alone and it’s in my control. If you leave me behind, then it’s not my choice. And I’m left to close up the wounds left behind.
But why can’t I choose to fight? Why I can’t I choose to be the one to do something about the circling and the shadow boxing?
I dunno.
I don’t know a lot tonight. So I apologize if this blog makes no sense. It just needed to get out.
You may return to your regularly scheduled… whatever.
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