Alone but not lonely

As the year creeps to its inevitable close, I have been feeling very lonely. I had hoped by this point, there would be someone in my life to share my life with, even if it’s just a Saturday night at a time. Someone to hold me and love me and… yada, yada, yada. I’ve been wading in self-pity - not yet wallowing but that was coming soon. Bemoaning the lack of love in my life, whining about not having someone special. Yikes. How could you all stand me?!

The past few days have shown me otherwise.

Simple gifts of grace have touched me in small and silly and wide and wild ways.

First, my new Buddhist family (Soka Gakkai International) have embraced me and made me feel so very welcome. From the simplest thing - Christine lending me a book about the Lotus Sutra, which I was trying to rush through to return to her and then her telling me that it was a gift and to keep it; the way that I was greeted when I walked into the meeting this week, like an old friend; Brad lending me a really great magazine on how to start this whole new adventure, which, again, I thought I needed to return and he generously gave to me. Silly, I know, but those little gifts mean a lot.

And the simple generosity of the kids I teach. Many hugs, much praise for how much they love me as a teacher. As much as I wish I made more money, nothing pays you back for your work than the look of pride on a nine-year-old’s face as she puts her heart into a Sisley duplication and she knows that she’s making a masterpiece. The smiles on my students’ faces today as we painted and draw and colored and played cannot be cashed but it made me feel like the richest woman on earth.

The gift of my beautiful, talented, brilliant cast on “The Jamb”. I know I say this about many of my projects lately but, to me, it just shows that I am making better choices, not only about what I direct, but where and with whom. These actors and crew fill me with pride and passion whenever we’re together. Half the time, we end up just hanging and talking after (and occasionally during) rehearsals. There is this sense of not wanting to leave because what we’re doing is wondrous and pleasurable. They make me feel loved.

And then, out of the blue, the simple generosity of someone who I am not very close to brought me to tears. She knows of my financial struggles and my family struggles and tonight, she gave me an envelope, saying merry Christmas. I opened it later and was stunned to find $50 in the envelope and a beautiful, touching note about how she had been thinking of me since we had a discussion a while ago about how I couldn’t pay my bills and about my family and so many other things and how she felt compelled to help me. Her gift will allow me to actually drive to work this week (I am teaching a lot this week and have to drive probably twice as much) without watching the gas gauge and trying to figure out how to sell a kidney to get to work. I can buy a few groceries. I could even treat myself to drive-through as I head between studios tomorrow, working a 12 hour day. She may never know how deeply her gift touched me, I think mostly because it was so unexpected.

So in this moment, this hour, this day, I feel surrounded by protective forces, which is part of what my journey into Buddhism is about. I am blessed with incredible friends, both close ones (Monica, Beth, Brad, Kerr, Zadra, of course, and so many more I can’t even list) and those not so close. I am blessed with a fascinating journey of discovery through SGI and Buddhism. Not sure where it will go but I’m certainly enjoying the scenery. Blessed by being a member of a company like Eclectic Company Theatre, where my talents are appreciated and supported and fed.

I may not be close to my family but I have an amazing family here. I don’t promise I’ll remember this tomorrow when I wake up and things may be ridiculously wrong again, but, for now, I am alone but not lonely.