I got to fall in love.
For a handful of weeks.
With an amazing man.
Who I can’t have.
So what else is new?
He makes me feel great. He makes me feel special. He looks at me and it’s like there is no one else in the world.
I’m sure his girlfriend feels exactly the same way.
And like all the men in my life that have taken a piece of my heart, he will probably fade away and vanish from my life, maybe slowly, maybe quickly. But, without a doubt, he will probably be gone fairly soon. I’ll have memories, I’ll have pleasant thoughts, I’ll have pictures from the amazing work we did together. But I won’t have him.
Because I don’t think I’m ready to have someone. That’s why the pieces of my heart vanish. Whether it’s their choice or mine, my heart seems to not be ready to get given away to someone who can do something about it.
I think because the years of it being battered and broken and trampled on are still imprinted on it. The wounds are still raw and bleeding, the bruises still fresh and purple. Sometimes, it still hurts to even breathe. The lingering effects of almost 20 years of having my emotions abused and bashed and negated make me unable or unwilling to let my heart be open for more than a moment in time, to let me let myself be open to someone who could hurt me that way again.
I don’t know when -- or if -- I’ll ever be able to let someone into my heart in a significant way again. Because I won’t survive another relationship where I lose myself again. Where my very being is taken apart and never put back together again.
I’d like to think I would make smarter choices now. I’d like to think I will draw someone to me who won’t kick me in the heart and stamp on my spirit. I’d like to think I’ve grown over these past four years and can see the red flags coming a mile away.
But to find that out, I have to be vulnerable. I have to be open. I have to be willing to let my heart off its chain and let it get broken a little bit.
But there are so few pieces of it left.
3 comments:
Though they may be small the mighty oak comes from a tiny acorn, all it needs is the right conditions...
S
I think that's actually an illusion. I mean your heart going away. I think your heart is actually in tact, though perhaps, as you say, bruised. I think that all of these people who you think have your heart piecemeal actually are just attached to it through a very beautiful thin string of light. You get to keep it. The light can be one way (directionally) or it can flow both ways, and it is as large or as small of a conduit as you and they chose it to be. But maybe your heart is more resilient and whole than you think.
I think you have an amazing heart, actually. It functions a hell of a lot better than some other people I know:)
Also had another thought late last night... I think that you have to fall in love with the people you work with because that is what raises the work you do to the level of art. Your actors feel your love, the piece grows, and everyone transcends. All because you love.
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