My horoscope today:
“Like a newborn, you are most powerful in your fragility because you are the closest to divine presences in that state.”
Particularly powerful today as I have been feeling very fragile as of late. In fact, I added a “Define me” application to my Facebook account recently and “fragile” is the one word most people chose to describe me.
Fragile.
I have often felt fragile inside but it kind of freaks me out that fragile has made its way to the surface.
I have spent my life trying to prove to the world that I am strong and powerful and independent. Now, suddenly, the word “fragile” is echoing throughout my life.
Is this the universe trying to get me to acknowledge my own fragility?
I have never been allowed to be fragile in my whole life. Neither of my marriages allowed the luxury to be fragile. Both men expected me to be strong and powerful – Wonder Woman often comes to my mind about how I am supposed to be. (Alex Ross’s Wonder Woman mostly, who is strong but human and flawed) God forbid in my family that I should any fragility at all.
Fragility has always equaled weak to me. And it’s disturbing to suddenly be defined all around as a word that reflects weak back to me. It makes me want to cover up all my emotions and just present this hard-nosed, closed down person to the world so that people will find me powerful and strong and not fragile.
But is fragile a bad thing? Here’s the definition:
frag•ile – adjective (Middle French, from Latin fragilis)
1. a) easily broken or destroy (a fragile vase) b: constitutionally delicate: lacking in vigor (a fragile child)
2. Tenuous, slight (fragile hopes)
Synonyms (too many to list but here are a few) brittle, crisp, friable (substance that are easily crumbled or pulverized), weak.
Oh, yeah, I guess it is.
This recent view of me as fragile has me all messed up. I don’t want to be viewed a fragile. I don’t want to be viewed as weak. And fuck the horoscope, explain to me how it brings me “closest to divine presences” when I’m weak and breakable.
It rattles me, I guess, because I’ve always been told the way I feel is irrelevant and just as I’m starting to feel stronger in my life, where I don’t feel like I’m one big ball of emotion, the one emotional personality I am most afraid of showing is apparently tattooed on my forehead.
So, what does all this mean? I don’t know. It means I am off my pins, sets me off my game. I have been feeling vulnerable these past few weeks, tied strongly into how lonely I have been feeling as well. But fragile? FRAGILE. It’s a big word to me and something I need to look at and see how I am projecting fragile to the world.
Maybe I do need to stop expressing my every emotion and every feeling. Maybe I need to hide a bit more of what I feel and stop broadcasting it to the entire world. Maybe I need to cover up that fragility and hide it from the world. I don’t want to be seen as fragile. It’s something I never thought I would be defined as. Yet, I think it is a word that almost perfectly describes me.
Maybe that’s the biggest fear, is that I am truly fragile. Because then it means I am easily broken. Which I am. And I don’t want to be broken any more. I want to be whole and strong and powerful. I’m not sure how fragile can possibly fit in with that.
So fragile will be the thought of the day. See what that brings.
4 comments:
Maybe you're thinking about this all wrong:)
It is possible that your fear about being weak or powerless is making you brittle and breakable...
Is it possible to get ok with the fact that you have weakness and are human and not feel that it's an unforgiveable sin?
Can you get still and say, "I'm precious, and I'm afraid of being broken. I feel unimportant and lost. But it's ok for me to feel that way and not have to put on the mask of fearlessness and don the WonderWoman cape"?
I think wanting to hide your weakness can sometimes make it more obvious. I think that often people who are fearless (really) are pretty quiet about it, just like people who are truly dangerous aren't usually the ones out on the street telling you how "dangerous" they are.
You are a complicated woman.
Think of a flower, who by definition is probably fragile, but we don't give it such a hard time for being that way;)
Not to make light, but my "Define Me" has "SASSY" as the stand-out and I'm pretty sure "Sassy" is a synonym for "bitch". So. . . I think I'd rather have people think I had feelings.
Stupid internet.
I'm thinking that when we are our most vulnerable, that's when we're open to anything - which means God is just around the corner, right there, within touch, it's just letting go the final obstacle to be in touch.
Whatever that means.
I think people know that you're re-building your life. Often that is when one is the most vulnerable, or "fragile" if you will.
I also don't think you should feel ashamed that friends know you inside and out. I also saw, "loving" - this is true, "stubborn" - oh you stereotypical Aries you, "focused" -yep, "artistic" - how many art projects are you involved with???
It's weird to have friends see inside you. But that's what they're there for. To see you and love you. Don't hate being fragile - let it make you strong. You're the stronger for acknowledging it, and braver than most who will shove something like this back down. Fragility is not something that weakens a person - it's something that lets them strengthen themselves.
There are many fragile things that last for a very long time. Like a beautiful bone china coffee cup, a crystal vase, a delicate piece of jewelry. Are you both fragile and strong at the same time? And just consider this acronym about fear:
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
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