My new boys

Here is a link to some photos from "Juche Rules", a one act play I am directing for the USC Masters in Professional Writing Program. It's a great piece about two journalists in North Korea struggling to make a moral decision that could have a personal impact on their guide.

I first did this program five years ago, I think. I did it for two years and had a great time doing both. All the students enrolled in the Masters program can submit their one acts and the four best get a full performance. This year, it's at the East West Players, which is an Asian-American theater here in LA.

It's been interesting directing a piece about Asians (Korean, mostly) written by a Chinese-American and featuring three strong Asian actors. It's a weird connection to my own vague Chinese heritage (1/4, thank you very much) and I've really enjoyed this experience. These guys are terrific and they really stepped up to the plate and worked very hard with this extremely short rehearsal schedule we had.

I once again find myself living a piece of my life over again, without having him leaning over my shoulder, telling me what I'm doing wrong, telling me how all of my choices are wrong, telling me that I am not worth it. It's such a pleasure to do this show again, this time on my own, without him.

My writing partner, Ranger Smith, was dogging me on the question of God this week. He's a confirmed agnostic and it's hard to explain to someone like that about faith and how I just know God plays a part in my life. It got me thinking about Amy The Writer and her blog about finding God (sorry, Amy, I haven't had time to do all the blog reading I normally do so I'm way behind on yours!). It's times like these, when I get to relive a moment in time that is colored by such negativity imposed on me by my ex, that I know that God exists and that He blesses my life with these simple gifts. The simple gift of enjoying my work, embracing the praise from those around me without feeling that I somehow don't deserve it. I feel God's presence when I realize that, if I had stayed with him, I would not be doing this right here, right now. Because I would be dead. Not figuratively, but in reality. Because I could not have survived, continuing to live with him.

I had a choice the night I thought about ending it. Actually, I had three choices. One, die. Totally and completely die. Two, die emotionally. Lose everything I loved and just live, with no purpose but to make him happy and serve him. Shut off my heart and my head and just be his wife. Three, choose to live, whatever that meant.

I chose to live. And God has let me live again, giving me the chance to replace the bad with the good, to finally know what this could have been and what it is now.

I'm glad I chose to live.

And for those of you who may be in the same situation I was - living a life that is not real and not true and not the life you deserve to live - it's time to wake up and find your life. Whether you're 20 or 40 or 80. Look at your life, look at the person next to you and ask yourself this - what is this going to look like 20 years from now? Is this what I want the next 20 years of my life to be? If it is, good luck and God bless. You are one of the lucky ones. If it's not, then get your ass out of bed and find your life. I wish I had found mine sooner but I'm glad I found it at all.