The year in review

This has been the most challenging year of my life. Incredible highs, incredible lows. Great growth and enormous set-backs. Disappointments abound and yet expectations are far exceeded. It’s been a roller coaster and I’m not sure it’s done yet.

The hardest thing is losing one of the most treasured friendships in my life. One who was so dear to me, who I thought would always be there, thought would maybe some day be something more than a friend, someone without whom I would not have made it through the first moments of my new life. It was there one day then slowly faded, without warning, without discussion, without explanation. Just gone. Occasional contact through necessary emails but the delicate nature of what was once such a blessing is now dissipated and vaporous. I miss you every single day still. I wish you knew that. And I wish that thought didn’t scare you so much. But I can’t do anything about it now. You’re off with a new muse, I guess, and you never looked back. I only wish you love and blessing and that you find whatever will bring you the joy and the love you seek that you chose not to find in me.

I’m still alone. That’s so incredibly difficult. I see my friends with their loved ones and I am glad that they have found that person who fills them. I know it’ll take time. I know that Cute Boy, who I can’t have, is just a step on the way to finding someone to share myself with and is like training wheels for a relationship. I’m still wobbly and I have skinned my knees a lot but hope that I am finding the balance and the control to drive off my own street and venture out into the neighborhoods beyond to see what’s there. Maybe this year the training wheels will come off. Maybe not. I won’t know until we’re here again in a year.

The ladies in my life, however, have never been stronger and more supportive and more amazing than they have this year. Watching each of them grow and follow their hearts and their dreams makes me stronger and more hopeful. Monica and her writing achievements and her goofy affection for her boy toy; Patty and her discovery of what she really wants in her life and the potential for her creative growth when we tackle “Keely and Du”; Anna B. and her blossoming from this shy, scared, wounded woman in an absolutely delightful, funny, quirky dame; Zadra and her own unique Zadraness and her beautiful gift of friendship; as well as the other ladies who move in and out of my life. You have held my hand through the losses and the fears and the joys and the terror. You will never know what you mean to me.

Creatively, I have been beaten and broken and battered yet come out stronger and more solid in who I am and what I do. Discovering the wonderful gift of collaboration with Monica and Dave has been amazing. We are a blessed trio, wacky, dark, weird and wonderful. I am excited about the potential we have and hope that we are still working together in five years or ten years or 20 years. They bring out in me the most wonderful parts and give me the confidence and respect to help me write better than I have ever written in my life.

The support of “The Wraith” cast has moved me in their unflinching belief that, somehow, with $1.50, we can make something amazing. I hope I can honor their belief and their trust and hold up my end of the bargain in 2008.

And then Famecast. Who knew when Richard B. sent me this innocent little email suggesting I check out this site that “The Change-Up” would end up in the top 5 and I would have been spending rock start time in Austin representing that film. It was exhausting, difficult, challenging, emotional, and it’s not over yet. I am learning that this one is for me to learn how to do this on my own, without relying on anyone to validate the effort, without having someone in Austin to share it with me (other than over the cellular stratosphere). This one is for me, as much as I share it with everyone else, and I’m glad I got to experience it.

I have learned so much about myself, the good and the bad, this year. And I’m realizing I’m just breaking the surface. I’m trying to avoid the old patterns and create new ones that will help me on this path and keep me moving. I need to make sure that in 20 years, I don’t look back at this time and wonder if it was all worth it. I want to look back and see how these baby steps led me to a wondrous, fulfilling, crazy, insane, joyful life. I hope to look back and see where I chose right and where the lifelong friendships I hope I still have in 2037 started.

I started about in 2004 thinking about the next 30 years of my life. That thought led me to 2007 and the first few years of that 30. I regret very few choices in this short new life. I don’t think we can grow without a few regrets. I am a baby now, just beginning that 30 year voyage. I hope to take these lessons and this discovery into my infant-hood and mid-life adolescence and grow and become the woman that I want to be, the woman who took a chance 30 years ago in 2007 and found herself living those 30 years with the joy and the love and the passion that she hoped she would find.

I wish the same for all of you. Look 30 years into the future and imagine what you want your life to be like. Then make it that. It’s that simple, it’s that complicated. But it’s what we all deserve. Live to the best, live to the most.