It is a struggle to keep going in this direction when adversity seems determined to take away the joy of success.
I am heartsick today at the thought of losing this sanctuary where I have grown so far and so much. I am devastated by the challenge against my creative ability. I am rattled to the core of my being by these challenges. I like to think I’m strong and powerful and bigger than this but the truth is, I am not. I am crushed and wounded and aching and angry and all the things I cannot express.
I have lost so much that the potential loss of this is almost more than I can bear. I’ve lost the OOMA and his friendship, which devastates me still. I have lost my relationship of 20 years out of my own choice. I have lost independence in some ways. I have lost my singular existence. I have lost so very much. There have been many gains but sometimes, the losses overwhelm those gains and make it almost impossible to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have to do a meeting on Monday where I feel like I have to stand in front of these amazing women and try and motivate and inspire them at a moment when I am so far from inspired. I hope I can find the ways to do that because these women are part of the reason I do keep doing what I do. They inspire me.
I know I’ll recover, no matter what happens. I know I’ll go on and keep going because there is nothing else I can do. But right now, what I wouldn’t give for some simple peace, some simple time of not doubting myself and my abilities, someone to hold me close right now and assure me that everything’s going to be all right, fuck them, and we will go on.
Maybe that’s the toughest part of this recent – and past – struggles. No arms to hold me, no mouth to say those words then gently kiss me, make me feel safe and secure and comforted.
There is no comfort tonight. There may not be any to come for a very long time.
So I go on, because I don’t know what else to do.
1 comment:
You are incredibly inspiring, so no worries about us. One of the things you do for the group is show us that we are all human, we hurt, and we somehow find the strength to move on.
You are resilient. You are strong. And you know that my feeling about those other opinions is "fuck-em"... You don't have to be perfect. But dammit, you are out there doing things and improving, whereas I don't necessarily see lots of other people out there trying to do things.
It's easy to be an armchair quarterback. You just have to remember to put it in perspective. While an armchair quarterback may occasionally have something useful to say, most generally what they are trying to do is live a life vicariously when they have no power or ability to live that life themselves. And sometimes the feedback is useful and sometimes it's just sour grapes.
So just keep the vision of where you'll be in five years firmly in place. You will be where you want to be. And then, we'll see who has talent and who spends there time bitching about other people instead of developing their own talent.
Just my two cents...
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