Wondering if it’s possible to find love again at 45. I know I can crush – have a wicked one on Cute Boy that is fun and silly and totally harmless. After all, he’s got a girlfriend and is moving in with her so nothing’s gonna happen there but it’s fun. Lost my heart to my dearest and I don’t think I’ll ever get all of it back. Talking to my friend, Anna, the other day who said she’s not sure if she wants to get into a relationship with someone because it’s just going to end. And I think she’s right. I’ve had two great loves in my life and they both ended. Is it possible to find it yet again, that love that makes you breathless and giddy and woozy all at the same time, that love that makes your heart pound and fills it with so much that you can’t possibly fit anything else in there? That love that we’re only supposed to have once in our lives. Can it happen a third time? My sister claims her third marriage is the best thing there is and her husband is truly the best man I have ever known her to be with. However, there have been many drunken phone calls – when we were still speaking – where she admitted that her life wasn’t what she wanted it to be and she wasn’t sure about even this incredible man who obviously loves her very much. Can I expect to find that love, that one, that person, who can fill me and reach me and touch me without me losing too much of myself? Or can I let myself be that vulnerable again to even try to find out?
Wishing for that love. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Aching with wishing while flirting via email with Cute Guy, realizing the futility of it. Wishing for that hand, those arms, those lips, something to make me feel 25 again, loved within an inch of my life again.
Wanting to start all over, to be able to let someone else in. Wanting to stop hurting and aching and wishing and wanting. Wanting (a little less every day) the one I can’t have – the ones I can’t have, maybe. Wanting to be wanted. Just wanting.
1 comment:
Omg... what a moving post, and you have me near tears. NEVER give up on the prospect of love, you obviously have a huge capacity for it...stay open to it and it'll find you. I'm a total love whore and it pains me when I see people feeling this way - I believe it's out there for everyone...and you can't ever think you won't have it or don't deserve it. Be positive, be happy, be you, look for it, know that you should have it and you'll see.
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