I came home from karaoke with the boys tonight, made some tea then sat down on the couch. And what did I find there? My broken heart. Okay, so maybe that’s a little melodramatic but that’s the truth. I found the broken heart that I’ve been hiding underneath all of the smiles, all of the false “I’m okay’s”, under all of the many distractions I create so that people won’t feel uncomfortable around my pain. I hide it, cover it, bury it with whisky (thanks, AJ) but it’s still there, lurking the corners of my life, waiting for me to not be paying attention and then, BAM, it bitch-slaps me from out of nowhere.
I knew that leaving wouldn’t be easy, that’s why I didn’t do it earlier. You don’t walk away from all those years together without a butt-load of pain regardless of which side of the leaving you’re on. It’s dark and ugly and more difficult than words can express. So we smile and we assure others that there’s nothing wrong.
But it’s all wrong. Sleeping on a friend’s couch for four weeks. Throwing out 16 years of memories. Storing what’s left in a 5 x 9 room with a red lock on it, to try to make it not so dreary. Losing the one home I’ve had in my adult life for more than a year. Losing the man I thought I was going to grow old with and share the last years of my life with.
Tonight (or actually this morning, since it’s 3 AM), I’m not sure I can make it through tomorrow without him. I’m not sure I can get up out of bed and go through my day without him. I’m not sure I can go through another hour without him right now. The pain is so tangible, I’m sure you can see the rend in my heart right through my clothes, through my sternum, all the way through the variety of layers of crap I have tried to cover it up with. Bit it wins out in the end and surfaces against my will, like those burrowing critters in “Tremors.” Except mine have not yet reached the canyon where they leap unknowingly to their deaths.
Tonight, it’s not feeling like a mid-life crisis, it’s feeling like the end of a life. And it is, in a way. The life we created together, the life we imagined we would have in 10, 20, 30 years. The life I took away from him so suddenly. The life I left behind when we shut the apartment door for the last time.
So I’ll try to sleep now, try to get through tomorrow without crumbling, try to put all these feelings back into the little compartments where they are kept. And put the smile back on, cover up the gaping hole in the middle of my chest and sop up the bloody feelings with the remnants of my life. Then we’ll see if I can make it through the weekend, then next week, then the move. After that, we’ll have to see.
6 comments:
I know that this post is old, but I have to say that I was there once too. I am enjoying reading your blog and love that you have kept it going for so many years :)
Thanks, Steve. I have to say, as old as this post is, it's still kind of relevant today. Glad you're still reading!
So far your story harmonizes with my story quite well, but I seem to be in the shoes of your second husband. My ex-wife left me back in 2007 for my lack of emotion in our relationship. I went through a year-long depression stage, followed by tentative awakening stage, which led into a buck-wild stage, before I settled down and fell in love once again.
I plan to continue reading your story until I caught up. I just finished your "looking back at the first year" post. I am finding it very interesting :)
Your story and mine resemble one another a little. My story however is coming from your second husbands point of view. My ex-wife left me back in 2007 for not being "emotionally available". Like the two of you we never had any children, and like you I went through a period of mourning the loss of my relationship and found myself depressed. Unlike you I had only had only been married the one time (for 17-years) and had never been with another woman, so the thought of dating again at 40 terrified me.
After a year or so of depression and self reflection I came out the other side a much wiser man. When I began venturing outside of my comfort zone and going to clubs with friends I learned that women found me attractive even though I had never thought of myself that way.
I went a little hog-wild for a short period, by getting drunk a lot and sewing some wild oats. You have to remember at that time I had only been with my wife and had only ever dated two girls in high school before getting married.
After a while I realized that I was masking my loneliness with partying and the club hopping, so I quit drinking and concentrated on work and more self reflection.
Eventually in 2010 I was introduced the woman that stole my heart. I was easily spooked at first, afraid of going through the pain of another loss. We have been together for 3-years now and in that time I have learned that I am capable of being emotionally available, and that I do have a truly romantic side.
I no longer speak to my ex-wife, but the last thing she heard from me was a letter that I had my sister deliver to her. In it I apologized for being the man that I had become when she and I were together, and I asked that she forgive me for the way I had treated her. This was not an attempt to win her back. She had moved on with her life the same as I. I just felt that she deserved some sort of closure. I know that her leaving me wasn't an easy thing to do, and reading your early posts affirms that notion for me.
For the record, she told my sister that she forgives me and she apologized for becoming the angry individual that I believe that I created in her with my actions. We both got our closure.
Thanks for sharing! I recently ended a short relationship but he taught me so much about who I am and who I want. You'll see as you read, you brave soul...
Thanks for sharing! I recently ended a short relationship but he taught me so much about who I am and who I want. You'll see as you read, you brave soul...
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